May 26, 2015
Well, shit. It looks like betches everywhere need to step up their game. Literally. According to a new study, high heel- related injuries have doubled over the past decade. 2011 reported the most injuries, which explains a lot because that was the year Nicki Minaj released Pink Friday and Charlie Sheen went batshit…it was a dangerous year for everyone. Almost 80% of the injuries were severe ankle/foot sprains, but some even included fractures and debilitating neck and back issues.
This is telling me what I think we all already knew: flats have made us lazy and the majority of American women have somehow lost the art of walking/running/jumping effortlessly in heels all while maintaining balance and grace. Some people may think this is a needless and/or outdated skill, but think about it. Who are you going to take more seriously: the cardigan-clad manager padding around in her no-name flats or the ponytail-slinging boss bitch gliding around the office with ease in her 5-inch Louboutins? People may argue that the latter will suffer from podiatric issues due to her excessively high heels, but much like the bitch pounding out 10 miles on the treadmill next to me, she may be in pain, but she looks a hell of a lot better than I do.
Our grandmothers wore heels every day of their lives and mine was constantly reminding me of the slimming effects they would have on my legs. I’m pretty sure she slept in her heels, but she was Latina so that whole “death before flats” thing was pretty ingrained into her mind. Interestingly enough, the group with the most reported injuries are white women. Well, just add that to the list of limitations.
Blame it on the Uggs, high in-steps, or the uneven surface of the road on our walks to work, you can’t deny that high heels are being seen less and less in daily life. Yes, there are those who will wear nothing else and they should be saluted, but many of us (myself included) will forego the heels in favor of a more foot-friendly shoe if we’re late for work or on our way to the grocery store. Will this keep me from mastering the ability to walk in heels properly, putting me at risk of injury? Maybe. But seeing as how most of us only wear heels when going out, I think it might be the vodka to blame for these injuries, not the heels themselves. So, just like the texts sent after 3am and the half-eaten McDonalds in the trashcan, we can once again blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol.