Study Finds That If You Don't Binge Drink You'll Never Be Cool

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

As if you needed another reason to black out tonight, a study showed that people who binge drink more often occupy higher social status within their friend group. This must be why I'm so popular. So in other words, next time you hold an intervention with the UGH for being lame af, you now have science to back you up. Clearly Don Draper was onto something.

The study was called Drinking to Reach the Top--which is def worse than other things you could do to get to the top--and according to the researchers, "further suggests that young people might be gaining social status benefits via their heavy drinking." Just in case you were unsure about the many benefits of hazing and the Greek system in general, there you go. Getting shitfaced on Tuesday will make you more popuar, as if there were any other reason to join Greek life aside from the parties (drinking) and frat bros.

But before you go finishing an entire handle of tequila, don't, because it won't magically grant you celebrity status. Researchers also concluded that people who had more than 12 drinks in one sitting didn't have higher status, and in some cases were less popular, than those who drank less. AKA no one will like you if they constantly have to hold your hair back every time you go out, which is a total shocker.

The study also found that sex feels good, and water is wet.

Scott Disick obviously took the results of this study too far, leading to the events of the video below. Someone's afraid of not being cool anymore!






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