Study Finds That There's Poop In Beards

By Miss Ameribetch

A study printed online last week found that there is fecal matter in many beards.  A microbiologist in New Mexico swabbed a bunch of beards and found that ““There would be a degree of uncleanliness that would be somewhat disturbing.”  Namely, there was fecal matter in them.

Everyone’s already jumping to defend this, saying that fecal matter is found on all surfaces.  Well, if that were true, I’m not sure why a microbiologist wouldn’t just say so, considering that sounds like his job. Though we’ve never met a microbiologist so we’re not even sure it’s a real thing.

Regardless, it isn’t really shocking, considering that the look most hipsters are going for is “homeless” anyway. Some people take Zoolander too seriously, I guess. Anyway, it’s every liberal art student/aspiring graphic designer’s dream to accidentally be mistaken for actually poor (you’re not fooling us with that Williamsburg Riverside apartment and NYU degree) so we bet they’re secretly jumping with joy at this new disgusting news.

One question we have for this study is – who’s beards are they testing? Is it meth heads in New Mexico? Because then yeah, there’s probably fecal matter everywhere. Or are we talking farm workers? Because again, not surprising to find poop. This study sounds like it has a lot of holes in it, but even so, we’re not surprised to hear beards are full of poop.




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