November 1, 2013
Dear Head Pro,
I'm confused. I'm in college and sometimes alcohol + mixer with fraternity = bad decisions.
I was just having fun with my sisters, and not planning on hooking up with anyone, but then I was introduced to this bro. He's really hot, we had a great conversation, and at the end of the night, he insisted on walking me home. We hooked up, we didn't have sex (because even in my drunken state I knew that would be a bad idea), but he did sleep over. The next morning he left without saying goodbye. I woke up to an apologetic text from him, and him saying how much fun last night was. I said no problem, from the little I remember it seemed fun.
Usually, I wouldn't care and would be over it as soon as I was over my hangover. But I find myself over-analyzing it. I know I wasn't coming off too strong. I've never had a guy leave the next morning without saying goodbye and that is fucking my head up. I didn't have sex with him so it wasn't a cut and run. What does a bro leaving indicate? Why hasn't he texted me again? I think he's really attractive, is perfect on paper, and is definitely a pro-in-the-making. The more I think about the situation, the more I want him. How do I make shit happen with this guy?
Dear Thank you for not being the 5,000th Person to Call Yourself “Dazed and Confused,”
UGHHHHHHHHHHH, why is this a question? Why did you take the time out of your day to send me this? Given how tedious and this question is, I imagine it must have been a great sacrifice for you to stop counting floor tiles (or avoiding odd-numbered stairs, or whatever other fucked up OCD thing you spend your time worrying about) and email me instead. So you did that thing every girl does, where you get shitfaced and hookup with a stranger but stop short of full-on sex in order to make yourself feel better about it. Then, in a shocking twist worthy of an M. Night Shyamalan movie, this (still strange) dude leaves in the morning like some kind of sex ninja. Oh my stars and garters, clutch your pearls and pray, because your life is obviously over. How you haven’t jumped off a bridge by now is a testament to your resolve (also, you were probably too preoccupied making sure your shoelaces were the exact same length).
Ignoring the fact that this guy has no obligation whatsoever to do anything after a steamy night of passionate hand jibbers, did you consider that, maybe, he was just being nice and didn’t want to wake you up? Or maybe he tried, and you were still passed out, deeply ensconced in a dreamworld where every bag of M&Ms contains equal quantities of each color. Either way, he fucking texted you later that day. And a nice text message! It wasn’t like he texted you “Hey slut, thanks for the crappy HJ. Are your hands made of shark skin?”
What does a bro leaving indicate? It indicates that he’s in a dwelling that is not his own and wishes to remedy that. Maybe he had somewhere to be, maybe he wanted to brush his teeth, or maybe he just didn’t want to cuddle with a hot mess in a tiny, extra-long twin sized bunk bed. Either way, it’s not a commentary on you, unless maybe he noticed your immaculately arranged collection of Beanie Babies (by release date, of course) and feared the consequences of disturbing them.
Dear Head Pro,
I had only been working at my new job for 2 weeks when a co-worker from a different functional area introduced himself and offered to give me advice on a new technology. After meeting with him for 30 minutes, he sent me a message through our office communicator that he is always available if I ever need any kind of assistance. Next thing I know, he is suggesting that he is available for sexual favors. He just kept complimenting me on how sexy I am and how badly he wanted to get with me. Mind you...he is married and has a baby at home!
After playing along for a bit (I mean, who doesn't like attention?) I told him to fuck off because it was pathetic how much he needed my validation (see: "I want to see pictures of you naked. Do you want pictures of me?) and how often he was sending me messages . On top of that I found out from 2 female coworkers that he had played the same game with them when they were new! What is it with married men and their inability to keep their dick in their pants?? And why don't they understand the word NO? It surprises me how even when I don't respond, or if I send something totally bitchy in response he still keeps sending me messages with the hope that his (annoying) persistence will pay off.
Switching to vagina
Dear Let me Know When you Make that Switch Because I’d Like to be there for that,
Let’s maybe chill with the whole “what’s the deal with married guys?” thing. Who are you, fucking Jerry Seinfeld? I can’t imagine married dudes are any more likely to cheat or try to cheat, and if anything I’d bet they’re significantly less likely to do so. Think about it, they have more to lose. If you want to pay lip service to your theory, I guess you could say it’s because married dudes are more confident due to the security that comes with having a wife, a kid and all that other miserable shit. They’re not relying on their overtures to get them laid, because they have a wife at home, and they know it’s unlikely she’ll ever find out. I do love the kind of weird creep who feels the need to state his willingness to sex you and/or see you naked. Like, does that need to be said? Isn't that kind of assumed any time you meet a guy?
What’s more baffling is, why the hell am I like the third person you’ve told about this? This is bonafide sexual harassment, and you have that shit IN WRITING. This isn’t an annoyance, like “Oh, Scott’s such a pain in the ass such that I’d rather fellate a curling iron than hear him speak.” This is “show me pictures of your tits” harassment. Why wouldn’t you gather up these IMs, talk to the other girls, and send the whole shitshow to HR? I kind of understand why you went along with it at first, because no one wants to be a buzzkill when they first start a job. People, especially girls, are “afraid” of people at work. Usually it’s “well, I don’t want to cause trouble and get someone fired.” Fuck that. I want every inadequate person I’ve ever worked with to get fired, because I care little for their happiness or wellbeing. When I was younger, I too might have been hesitant to make a scene. But now? Fuck, I want someone to tell me they’re lying about their time sheets, or bragging about not doing work. I’d make the call to HR right in front of their fucking faces. Coworkers are the worst.
If there’s ever a situation where you, or the company as a whole, are being victimized, you should never feel bad about making as much noise as you can and taking it as high up as it can go. If HR won’t help, I’d send that shit straight to the CEO with the message “This is the kind of person you employ and the environment they create.” Even better, send that shit to the media. Better still, send it to me! I’ll post that shit all over the goddamn internet. Odds are he’ll stop then.