June 11, 2015
There’s so much advice out there on how to survive the roller-coaster ride that is your 20s (it’s pretty simple TBH- never turn down happy hour and you’ll be okay), but no one ever thinks to tell you how to get through the shit show that is the first wedding of the friend group.
More often that not it will be the Dud of the group that gets hitched first. Since the batshit crazy betch who got married in Vegas on her 21st birthday trip is already considered divorced, it doesn’t count. The Dud was the girl who stayed in to snuggle with her boyfriend on tequila Thursdays in college when you and your other besties would cuddle Jose Cuervo all night. She had no real life ambitions (she’d rather marry a CEO than be one) and really enjoyed cooking chicken parm.
As you get ready for this girl’s wedding there may be a part of you that’s a little jealous. You’re not getting any younger and you’d love to have your own betchy child one day so this girl seems to have what you want.
Just remember that if they dated in college (or even high school) chances are their relationship is based on a life that is basically imaginary – every one can agree college is like another universe. All they had to argue about back then was if he chose to hang out with his frat bros one night over her. Petty shit. Bring money, kids, families, whatever into the equation it’s a different story.
Don’t be cynical at the wedding though – that’s never a good look. Tell your bestie everything she wants to hear because it’s her day and you don’t want to fuck that shit up. Smile lovingly at the couple while you spend the majority of the night drinking.
Speaking of drinking, a wedding is a beautiful opportunity to experience an open bar. Unless your friend is a complete loser now (DUDs get worse with age), there’s no way this isn’t a thing. Grab your still-single besties and take advantage of this opportunity. You won’t actually blow your entire paycheck at the bar this weekend – thank you to the happy couple.
Chances are this wedding will also be sort of a high school and/or college reunion in some respects too. So you better have hit Soul Cycle extra hard this week or everyone will see that you’re no longer 19 and a size zero. Anything over a 4 at this age – just don’t go to the wedding.
A big thing to remember when seeing people you went to school with is that you should NOT hook up with them. This is a wedding where you celebrate the union of a couple who (for now) has their shit together. Nothing screams “still stuck in the past” as loud as making out with the bro who you made four coolers for in college despite never putting any labels on it.
If you have to lie and say you’re casually seeing a bro who works on Wall Street. And wear expensive shoes to show people that yeah, you fucking made it. You might not be getting married at 26, but you have the rest of your life to make breakfast for your husband and get fat. Where’s the after party?