July 23, 2015
Recent studies show that the vast majority of people who claim they’ll be "taking it easy" on the alcohol tonight will in fact end up drunker than they’ve been in months. Researchers aren’t exactly sure why that relationship exists, but we assume it’s just the universe punishing you for trying to get your shit together and being better than the rest of us. Oh you have “obligations” in the morning? Lol kk, see you at 3AM
Exhibit A: Last Thursday night, a key member of a female friend group told the others that she didn’t think going out was a great idea. The gall… “I have a big presentation the next day. It’s really important,” she said. “I wasn’t going to leave the house at all, but then my friends convinced me to grab one drink with them.” Just two hours later, witnesses say she was buying tequila shots for random strangers and DFMO’ing with a low 4.
Other reports consist mainly of people waking up after famous last words such as, “I want to be home by 11 tonight,” or “I really shouldn’t drink while on antibiotics, guys.” Little did the victims know, these statements would seal their fate as the most fucked up betch that night. Even those who were actually trying to get blackout couldn’t catch up, in a baffling turn of events.
Science continues to ponder the causes for this phenomenon and whether there may be any potential ways to undo the harm caused by initially trying to be lame. For now, we encourage you to stay safe by accepting the fact that we’re probably going to get wasted AF, no matter what.