August 28, 2014
The next best thing to blacking out is talking about how blacked out you were the morning after. Obviously the morning fucking sucks, especially if Jose Cuervo was your main bro from 9 PM to 1 AM, but rehashing just how much you drank last night makes the sunlight just a little bit less harsh and your non-stop waves a little more bearable.
A typical morning after conversation between betches goes a little like this:
“I can’t believe you slapped that bag of Franzia for 20 seconds straight last night, you’re a fucking legend.”
“Can you please STFU and not mention that? I think I’m gonna vom. Don’t forget the 3 shots of tequila I pounded when Joe bought them for me. I can’t turn down a face like that.”
“Our lives are in shambles. We’re never drinking again. Need Iced coffee. NOW.”
“That’s just pure shit you’re spewing and you know it.”
The constant back and forth between betches the next morning is the epitome of how much we love talking about ourselves. There’s nothing that makes Sunday morning regrets a little less painful to think about (since you drunk dialed that SAB for the third night in a row) than going over the long list of shit you mixed even though you tried lying to yourself and saying you would only stick to a couple glasses of wine. HA. That shit’s a bigger joke than when people think Nicholas Sparks books are what love is like.
Another benefit of the morning after recap sesh is putting together the puzzle pieces that seem to always scatter when you give in to another round of shots and ultimately black out. Again. Betches not only love talking about how much they drank, but they love telling each other what stupid shit went down that others may not remember.
“Where was I between the hours of 12:30 AM and 2 AM? That part of the night is seriously a big ass gaping hole. Bigger than Jackie’s ass looked in that skirt last night.”
“I think that’s when ‘Drunk in Love’ came on and you climbed on the table. You tried taking your shirt off, but then the bouncer came over and helped you down. Don’t worry your boobs looked great though.”
“Ugh. Never. Drinking Again.”
“That’s like saying you’re never talking shit again. Not going to happen.”
While your night out should always be the highlight of the entire blacking out process, if you aren’t able to have a quality review of the night out the next morning hungover AF over Starbucks then you need to get better besties. Or start doing crazier shit. If you’re boring, you can’t sit with us.