October 16, 2011
So let's talk about one of our favorite topics: ourselves and why everyone wants to be us. We're surprised there aren't college courses devoted to the life and times of us.
But every once in a while you should take a break from thinking about yourself to let everyone else know. We're not saying you should talk about yourself excessively, it's a subtle thing. Betches aren't rude, we wouldn't interrupt our bestie when she's crying about her parents' divorce. Instead, you can use these few moments of peace to think about how amazing it is to be you.
While a nice girl might often express interest in things like other people, their problems, their concerns, things that are going on in the world, fascist dictators, #5 skinny toddlers in North Korea, and other bullshit; a betch knows the truth. Nice girls do this only because they are boring and no one would ever want to talk about them anyway. As much as they're not into having a conversation about themselves, we're into it even less.
Why would I talk about anything else but myself? Can you come up with a better topic? Everyone knows that everyone in the room would rather listen to the most meaningless aspect of your life than a saga about the most meaningful part of someone else's.
The only exception is when you have an inside joke about someone. Great, now we can talk about someone else without straying away from topic #1, me. Not branching out makes it easier to talk about yourself because everyone knows what you're talking about, because you've been friends forever, because betches #107 don't branch out.
However, if you run into the unfortunate predicament in which the topic being discussed is no longer about you, there are easy ways to steer the conversation back to yourself. Here's how:
Comparing Your Situation to Others': Who wants to listen to Jenny's incessant #80 bitching about Kevin being an asshole to her when you can bitch about a guy who's an asshole to you? You might insert: Guys are such douchebags, it reminds me of the time when Jason tried to surprise me on our anniversary...he knows I hate surprises!
If ever in a situation where your grandpa is telling you he's been diagnosed with Parkinson's and you find yourself bringing the convo back to your chapped lips, you know you've mastered the art of conversation.
Bring Up Something You Have Expertise or Higher Knowledge Of: Here's a chance to express your strong and correct opinions without making it seem like the conversation is about you, even though it is. It's a way of getting to talk about your experiences without seeming too narcissistic.
Your family can't afford to go skiing this break? Don't worryyyyy you can totally come to Aspen with me, Shaun White invited us to some party this year -it's probs gonna be so fucking lame.
You're going abroad to Seville? Omg, it was like sooo amazing I can tell you allll the best clubs in Alfafa without actual Spaniards in them, and the name of the drug dealer who speaks English! Ugh, miss it.
Have you guys been to Bar Basque? My uncle owns it.
Fishing for Compliments: Betches don't fish for compliments, they go deep-sea diving. You could go the obvious route on this one, like if you just got highlights you can ask your besties how incredible you look blonde. Or, you can go with the general putdown (Ugh, do you think my highlights are too bright? You know, because of my tan), in full awareness of the immediate protests to the contrary. Omg, no fucking way, it looks amazing, you look like Blake Lively.
Complaining About Your #104 Token Hated Body Part: The token hated body part is a last ditch effort to make the conversation about you. If this fails, text your mom.
So betches, why is this post different from all other posts? Honestly, it has been long overdue because knowing you're the greatest is a major tenet of being a true betch. I mean, have you read our tagline? So obviously you want to maximize your time talking about the greatest topic you know: you and why everyone wants to be you.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing