Whelp, I’m not one to say I told you so (yes I fucking am…I love saying I told you so because it means that I’m right and you’re wrong and I love being right more than I love drunk eating pizza) but, considering two already ridiculously shitty things have happened this year (Justin Bieber’s face tattoo, Courtney Stodden producing spawn) and bad things come in threes, here we are: Nicegirl Taylor Swift and the title of her next album Calvin Harris have broken up because OF COURSE THEY HAVE. According to Us Weekly, Calvin was the one who dumped Taylor, so we all know what that means.
Taylor Swift has made an entire career of dating hot celebrities, proclaiming how perfect their ~love~ is, and then making it seem like all men are evil when really her songs should just be titled with different reasons why they broke up with her. I swear, “Blank Space” is the only honest song she has and that’s just because she’s singing about how she’s a fucking psycho, but shrug. Do we really think Jake Gyllenhaal, fucking 35-year-old Oscar nominee Jake Gyllenhaal, begged a girl who’s (almost) as annoying as Anne Hathaway to pretty, pretty please get back together with her? All I hear when I listen to T-Swift’s songs are how delusional she is and that couldn’t possibly have changed in the little over one year she dated Calvin Harris.
Whatever. It’s time she learns from her mistakes. Don’t go sobbing about it to your squad, Taylor. Take a Soul Cycle class, stop dressing like a weird goth version of yourself (you’re not hardcore), and write another album already, because I’m fucking sick of hearing that you won yet another award for a record that came out in 2014. In other words, pick your head up dude. As you already know, there are plenty of fish in the sea. As in, you know: