I’ll be the first to say it: all this drama surrounding Taylor Swift is giving me life right now. First, let's talk about the Calvin Harris drama because I couldn't get my thoughts together last week when this was relevant. Too fucking bad for you all. Calvin Harris is probably Swift’s first ex to actually stand up to her in some capacity and not let her steamroll all over him with her victim narrative of how their whole relationship went down and let Taylor act all innocent like I used to live in Africa with all the little birdies and the monkeys. It’s been a long time coming. What a time to be alive!
I truly thought nothing could truin my good mood. That is, until I went about my usual business of hate-reading internet articles (I’m a masochist, okay?) and found this: Let’s Stop Tearing Taylor Swift Down, OK?
No, actually. Not okay. Taylor Swift deserves to be torn down. And I will be the first to do it. It’s a tough job, but that’s why they pay me the big bucks.
Let’s start a month ago. Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris end their year-long relationship. Okay. Whatever. That’s sad. Honestly, none of us thought anything of it other than the fact that we were about to get some bangers out of this breakup. UNTIL. Not two weeks later, when Taylor is not only dating another guy, which would be whatever/typical Taylor, except she’s blatantly flaunting it in the media, making out with him wherever she goes. The beach? Check. Ancient Roman ruins? Check. Like, serial dater or not (serial dater), that’s a) gross and unnecessary, and b) a pretty shitty thing to do to someone you supposedly still care about and have love and respect for. Come on, Taylor. I know you have a publicist. I KNOW you could have kept that shit under wraps if you’d wanted to. I know his feelings aren't her problem, so it's kind of fucked up to go around claiming you still care about a person when you so obviously don't give a shit about them or their feelings. But I guess Tweeting out, "He's my ex now so fuck that guy!" wouldn't really fit with her innocent nicegirl image. And to all you commenters about to call me a hypocrite, don't even try to tell me you wouldn't feel some type of way if you saw your ex all over social media with some thot less than a month after y'all broke up.
Furthermore, it's one thing to go about your business and live your life, and it's quite another to obviously put your love life on display to rub it in your ex's face. I obviously don't live in Taylor Swift's mind, but I think it's obvious to anyone with minimal brainpower and deductive reasoning skills that the latter option is what's going on. And it's just like, tacky and obnoxious and trying too hard—so, yeah, okay, typical Taylor Swift move.
Safe to say I was already not on team Hiddleswift before this latest drama. PS, being in an exclusive relationship TWO WEEKS after your other 1.5-year exclusive relationship ends? SHADY AF.
So now we get to last week. Taylor is out and about with her new boo, clearly winning this breakup. You’d think that would be the end of this story, but what does she do? She randomly decides that this is a great time to have “her rep” confirm that she wrote Calvin Harris’ summer hit—even though literally nobody was asking about it. HOW CONVENIENT.
Like, Jesus Fucking Christ, Taylor. Now? You already won this breakup!! It’s not enough that you moved on first; you also have to take credit for the one thing this man has going for him right now? That is fucking heartless. Once again, I basically have no sympathy or morals (as you can tell by my Dear Betch letters), but even I wouldn’t fuck around and take my ex’s job after our breakup.
And now let's talk about the "Famous" bullshit. I'm not going to give you the backstory because I'm sure we already know it. I'm just going to focus on Taylor's response and why it's a steaming pile of bullshit.
One, Kanye is a fucking rapper. Rappers call everyone a bitch. I'm pretty sure Kanye has probably referred to his own wife as a bitch at some point. This is really not that deep. Two, "I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative"??? NICE FUCKING TRY, TAYLOR. You invented this narrative! If you'd never said anything in the first place, if you hadn't given your cute little speech at the Grammy's, we wouldn't fucking be here. Convenient how you're all too eager to construct a narrative that paints you in a good light (you're doing it right now!!), but the second you get exposed for what was at best a misrepresentation of events to fit your agenda, and at worst outright lying, you act like you were thrown into this "narrative" without your consent.
Not to mention, when have you EVER asked your
subjects exes permission for mentioning them in a song? I'm pretty fucking sure your ass wasn't calling up John Mayer before "Dear John" came out, to name ONE example out of literally every song you've ever written, so just take a fucking seat.
So yeah. Fellow woman or not, if you act completely soulless and try to ruin someone both romantically and professionally when you are already killing it in both of those departments, and if you try to paint yourself as the victim all the time even if you're not, I am gonna call your ass out for being petty and conniving on a platform you definitely won’t read. Let that be a lesson to all of you.
Not that any of this really matters anyway, because I’m convinced this is all a well-orchestrated publicity stunt for the new James Bond movie, “This Is What You Came For,” a surprise Calvin Harris/Taylor Swift musical collab, and Kanye's 61st update to The Life of Pablo. I’m calling it now. Centuries from now, they will build shrines to my genius.
And Calvin, you’re not totally blameless here, either. You dated Taylor Swift. You can’t act like you didn’t know this was going to go down in this exact fashion. You played yourself. You all did. Fuck, why am I so wrapped up in this?
Anyway, long live Queen Kim.