October 29, 2014
“Allow me to highlight some important New York vocabulary words,” begins anthropomorphic packet of Toaster Strudel icing Taylor Swift, who recently purchased a $20 million apartment/platonic lesbian sex dungeon in New York’s Tribeca neighborhood. She does not pause for you to permit her explanation. She goes on to recite what she believes to be the definitions for essential New York terminology, exactly the kind of thoughtful service you, the great unwashed, demand from someone who spends several lifetimes worth of money on an abode she does not permanently inhabit. Let’s see how she does.
Q1: What is a “bodega?”
A: “A bodega is a corner store that’s open … pretty much 24 hours, most of the time. You can get almost anything in a bodega. Bodegas are our friends.”
Score: Wrong. For one thing, 24 hours is actually ALL of the time, unless you transcend time and space, like Taylor Swift. Also, you can’t get “almost anything” in a bodega. All you can get in a bodega are decade-old cleaning supplies, apples of suspect provenance, and voltage adaptors to countries the State Department doesn’t allow you to visit.
Q2: What is “Houston Street?”
A: “Most commonly confused with the pronunciation ‘hyooston street.’ When you get here, and you see the sign, you’ll think ‘oh, Houston, Texas, Houston Street!’ Incorrect [buzzer sounds]. ‘Hows-ton’ street. And you’ll hear people refer to ‘NoHo’ or ‘SoHo’ - NoHo stands for ‘north of Houston,’ SoHo stands for ‘south of Houston.’”
Score: Wrong. Houston is the street upon which, if you travel far enough east, you can find cheap drugs. And no one says “NoHo.” 90% of New York City is “NoHo.”
Q3: What is a “stoop?”
A: “In the south (and pretty much anywhere else) the … part of your house that is in front of your door and your stairs is a lot of the time called a ‘porch.’ Not in New York. Anything that’s basically a … stairway entry to a dwelling, home, apartment, brownstone or townhouse is referred to as a stoop.”
Score: Wrong. “Stoop” is what the city of New York did when they hired Taylor Swift to be their “Global Ambassador.”
Final Score: Taylor Swift is wrong about everything, as usual. Watch the video, if for no other reason than to hear her struggle to speak words that don’t pertain to failed relationships or dancing.