We Really Hope The Ted Cruz Sex Scandal Rumors Are True

By Jane Duh

As you all certainly know by now, there is nothing a betch loves more than unfounded rumors of sexual impropriety. With that in mind, I give you #CruzSexScandal. The hashtag, which took off on Twitter over the weekend, is referring to a National Enquirer story that alleges that Cruz, a man who famously ate his own booger on live television, has had a minimum of FIVE extramarital affairs despite the fact that his wife Heidi is four, maybe even five points higher than him on the attractiveness scale.

This is funny for many, many reasons, not the least of which being that Cruz has spent the entire campaign courting the no-sex-for-anyone-ever-evangelical vote.

Now the question remains: why would one woman, let alone five women, agree to sleep with Ted Cruz? As to that, I cannot say, though unbridled douchebaggery has gotten many a weird-looking bro laid in the past, so who's to say the same technique (I believe it's called "negging") wouldn't work for Cruz?

Like I said, these rumors as of now are completely unfounded, having only been reported in the Enquirer. That being said, these are the same people who broke the Tiger Woods and John Edwards scandals, so they have a pretty good track record of knowing who is banging those they ought not bang.

For now, we'll have to put this little news item in the "noted" category until there is more proof. Though the lack of evidence should not stop you from doing your betchly duty and telling every single person you've ever met in your life that this happened and is 100% true.




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