February 4, 2013
So couple of weeks ago while we were at drunk brunch with our besties we were introduced to the best app since we discovered that Snapchat could alternatively be used to send pics of yourself hungover vomiting in your pumps to your besties. It all started when someone casually mentioned that they were obsessed with Tinder. What's Tinder, you wondered? Then someone explained that you judge bros based on their hotness and age and at first you were like, gross, online dating is for losers and fuglies. Until your bestie explained that no respectable girl actually dates these guys.
And surprise, everyone was on it and it was a great way to do one of your favorite activities: snap judging people and then rejecting them based on their looks. Six hours later you were still on it and becoming compulsive. Tinder was getting in the way of your daily routine. Your shows were only being half watched, your friends' bitching was being ignored, and the only thing you cared about was clicking that little X or heart button. You were officially an addict and shit started to get weird.
Sure there are the guys that were funny to automatically reject like the seventeen year old surfer named Cameron whose picture was taken at prom. Then there were the old freaks like 52 year old Bob pictured in an old man polo with his four kids on his lawn in Connecticut. And of course the creepy ethnic dude named Alkewe who looked as though he might rape you via Tinder message if possible. Eventually you narrowed down the list and approved of the 2% of moderately acceptable guys within a thirty mile radius of your location. The breakdown could be divided into about five categories and went something like this:
Sex Fiend Simons are most often blocked immediately after their first message and are just generally creepy as fuck. When Simon's not opening with how sexy your smile is, he's getting right down to business and giving you his room number at the W hotel for your sexual pleasure or telling you his name and that he has a small apartment in the city but there's plenty of room if you sit on his face. Dream on Simon, if I wanted to fuck strangers I just met on the internet my face would already be corroded by crystal meth. NEXT.
Desperate Dan seems normal at first. Sure his opener of "hey" was pretty generic but he looked hot enough in his mesh frat tank to warrant consideration. Obviously you were too busy or too overwhelmed by all your matches to respond to this guy but that doesn't stop Danny boy from laying it on thick and hard. He'll then follow up hey unanswered "hey" with a "what's up?" or if he's especially clingy, a "?" You'll then know you dodged a bullet. If you're this desperate via an iPhone app I can already see visuals of me having to pry you out of my bed while you pitifully whimper like an eight year old girl. NEXT.
Apparently everyone on the internet thinks they're a fucking comedian but rarely is a guy's opener funny enough to warrant an actual LOL. That doesn't stop the heaps of guys who think they're the next fuglier version of Paul Rudd to open with some variation of "So is this how we'll tell our kids how we met?", "Ranch or blue cheese?", "Reverse Cowgirl or doggie style?" While these guys and their bros who they're showing their "hysterical tinder messages" to think they're fucking hysterical, in reality they're usually just not hot enough to get your attention otherwise. If I wanted to have a comical contest where I tried to one up a guy on hilarity I'd be someone's funny fat friend. NEXT.
Adam is the guy you have like thirty mutual friends with and probably have at least seen around. You already know him – maybe you guys will hit it off. You're trying to be polite so this bro gets a courtesy approval. He will inevitably match you too and then the two of you will say absolutely nothing to each other or he will use your vague acquaintance to hit on you via Tinder because he is far too much of a pussy to do so in real life. Or there's always the time you find your friend's boyfriend. NEXT.
The most elusive of the bunch, Harry and you are a match, he's really hot but yet for some unfathomable reason has not messaged you. This is intriguing and obvi makes you want him more. Nine times out of ten Hard to Get Harry has a girlfriend who is unaware of his existence in the Tinder universe, is looking for a quick ego boost by seeing how many girls will match him based on his best-picture-he's-ever-taken-3-years-ago ridiculously hot profile picture, or is actually cool and doesn't use Tinder as an actual dating mechanism. SWOON.
But then there are always these bros, who actually make Tinder more entertaining than Cute Cuddly Kittens:
I asked but I DIDN'T FUCKING ASK.