April 15, 2014
As a betch, you’ve probs been fighting with your mom since she woke you from your nap in her womb. I mean, think back to middle school. With all the shit you pulled, it’s amazing that she did not throw your 13 year old ass out of the house for being such a sassy bitch. Even so, all those teenage years helped us perfect the mother-daughter fighting cycle. Here are the four stages of fighting with your mom.
Fights with our moms rarely start over anything important.
Example 1: Your mom forgot/didn't do something she was supposed to because she's old as fuck/doesn't give a shit.
You: Why did you buy Coke Zero? I asked you to buy Diet Coke.
Mom: Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot.
You: God, mom, you always do this!!”
Example 2: Your mom, knowing the sneaky bitch that you are tries calling you out on your shit. The best way to deal with this is to blame someone else or turn it around on her without answering the question.
Mom: I was looking at the credit card bill and wondering who spent $500 at Bliss Spa this month.
You: Why don't you fucking ask Jamie! You always blame me first! Now I'm going to have to talk to my therapist about how your blatant favoritism is ruining my life and you're going to have to foot the bill!
Example 3: Your mom attempts to make you get your shit together.
In the rare case a fight does start over something important, it will be because your mom asked any variation of the “what are you doing with your life?” question. I don’t know mom, what are you doing with yours!? In her defense, betches can be so afraid of this question that we often assume she’s asking it even when she’s, like, not.
Mom: Hi, Honey, what are your plans for this afternoon?
You: Leave me alone. Why do you always put so much pressure on me!? GOD!
The rehashing stage almost always starts with the phrase “This is so typical!” or “you always do this!!” Then it’s on. Prepare to be reminded of every fight you two have had since like, 2nd grade. The time you got caught sneaking out in high school, the time your mom forgot to pick you up from dance class, and the drinking ticket you got freshman year are all topics that will be brought up during this stage of the mother-daughter fight. “It’s no longer on my record, Mom! Let it go!!” The best way to annoy your mom during this phase of the fight is to try and make her feel like she's the maniac while putting a large emphasis on the end of your words. Mom you need to relaxxxxxxx you're driving everyone around you insaneeeee.
Note: The more emphasis you place on the end of the word chilllllllllllll the more likely your mom will be to look into how to get you out of your dad's will.
You storm off to your room, to your car, to the mall, wherever. Just make sure you make a dramatic exit. Once by yourself, and maybe after you’ve popped a Xanax, you’ll realize how much of a raging bitch you were. Time to suck it up and apologize, betch. If the fight was really bad, you can always just blame it on your PMS. Note that if you're going to apologize it's important to overdo it. Make sure to tell your mom how much you love her and appreciate everything she does for you. Be sure to top it all off with a mention that she looks like, soooo thin lately. There's no point in apologizing for no fucking reason. This will ensure you get a bonding trip to Saks and a mani/pedi. The make up shopping spree is to fights with your mom what makeup sex is to fights with your boyfriend.
Unless you’re one of those psychos who fights with their mom for like years, mother-daughter fights usually only last a couple of hours. The beautiful thing is, while a bestie might hold a grudge if you, like, call her a psycho bitch, your mom will ultimately forgive you since she loves you. Plus you literally came out of her so she's eventually going to forget that you totalled her car. She’s also spent way too much time raising you to stop talking to you now. Once the sorrys are said, everything is over…that is, until the next time she has the nerve to schedule brunch with your grandma on a Sunday at 11 am or like, ask you to get a job. Sure your mom isn't a regular mom she's a cool mom but that doesn't mean you can't occasionally tell her to GTFO of your room, no matter how much time and money she's spent decorating it.