April 10, 2014
It’s festival season which means a few things: neon crop tops; being stuck in a sea of people, most of whom you don’t know; and being so dehydrated for days on end that by the end of it, your pee is brown (yay!). Oh yeah and I guess music. And probably drugs.
But back to the oceans of people you don’t know: even though you may have never met the annoying wasted girl trying to casually elbow her way past you to the front—bitch I see your elbow-heavy “dance moves,” I know what you’re trying to do because I’ve done it before and it’s not gonna work—you do sort of know her because you know her type. Aside from you and your besties because you guys are like so complex and diverse, a lot of the other people tend to fall into one or more categories.
I don’t care if you’re seeing Kendrick Lamar; there will still be an awkward white guy. Usually by himself, jamming out to his own tune because he’s completely off-beat and oblivious to the fact that no one else is swinging their arms so much they’re nearly hitting everyone around them in the face. Often seen with a long beard or sometimes the dreaded, white guy dreadlocks. Probably on peyote. Stay away.
You stayed at adjacent tents at Hangout (glamping, obv) and now all of a sudden some rando thinks you’re destined to be friends forever. Fifteen minutes in and she’s already added you on Facebook and tagged you in some candids you weren’t aware were taken. Like, I guess you can come with us to see Pretty Lights but we are so never getting post-festival brunch and there’s no way in hell I’m sharing my bottled water. If I wanted to branch out I’d have gone to a college freshman orientation.
You’d think this person served 3 tours in 'Nam for all the stories they have about “that time I went to Bonarroo in ‘07” and how in general they act like a seasoned veteran with years of worldly experience when in reality, their drug problem just got kick started a couple years earlier than yours. Keep this person around because they’ll have great tips (“don’t go anywhere without baby wipes and hand sanitizer”), and even though their stories about recording a “lost collab” with Eminem at last year’s Lolla are faker than Snooki’s tan, they’re entertaining. Don’t get too close though because you can’t trust someone who spends so much of their time at festivals that they don't have an actual job, or like, real friends. Plus they might steal your shit.
Your instincts are correct; those are probably actually bath salts.
Most likely to be found on Jimmy Kimmel’s Lie Witness News, gushing about how much they love “Purple Beehive” and other made-up bands that don’t actually exist.