March 6, 2014
When it comes to #118 working out, a betch will usually do some cardio, maybe do a Pilates class, and then move on with her day. A true betch knows going to the gym does not need to be a spectacle, nor should you EVER instagram a sweaty mirror-selfie in your gym clothes.
Unfortunately for us, there are others who aren’t as low key. Here are 5 people betches deal with at the gym:
Most betches are afraid they’ll bulk up if they start lifting weights; the She-Man is the reason why. Sure, she’s muscular all over, but she also doesn’t look like she has boobs… or maybe even a vagina. Most of the time the She-Man maintains a skin tone resembling that of Tan Mom circa 2012. She’ll also take instagrams of herself with captions like “real women lift” and “strong is the new skinny.” Please stop. You are single handedly contributing to my rationalization that it's okay to not go to the gym. There's a difference between looking toned and looking like a 'roided out 11th grade guy.
You’re minding your own business on the elliptical when suddenly you hear a loud “Ugggggggg!” that echoes all the way across the gym. This noise is almost always coming from some juiced up dude resembling Ronnie from Jersey Shore. You’re not sure if his steroids make it impossible for him to STFU, but you do know that the annoyed stares from everyone else do not stop him from making sex noises each time he picks up a dumbbell. “Ugghh…oh yea… ughhh” Sir, you are making everyone uncomfortable and I think this is sexual harassment and/or noise pollution.
She rolls up to #195 equinox with her make up fully done and then leaves without breaking a sweat. After ten minutes of toe touch stretches and a few hair flips later, it becomes pretty clear why. This girl isn’t there to work out; she’s there to do stretches in shorts that show off her ass. If she's hanging out by the weight lifting bros it's possible she's a sluttier version of the WGG. She is definitely annoying and SO desperate for a bro to either spot her or fuck her on the spot.
They are the reason they every machine was taken the week after new years or, for college betches, there is a line to use an elliptical the week before spring break. Props to them for trying to be healthy, but couldn’t they just like go the Y or something? News flash: it's too fucking late for you bitches. Two 30 minute cardio sessions a week before your vaca does not a bikini body make.
Self-explanatory. Please do not stand next to my treadmill and try to have a conversation. It’s just awkward.
There you have it, betches. These are the ones to avoid like a sweaty elliptical railing. Now get off your ass, put on some lululemons, and go work off that vodka cranberry that you were forced to drink at some bros table last night. Hint to bottle service at clubs: nobody (including my ass) fucking likes vodka orange juices.