The 5 Worst Times To Hit On A Betch

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Getting hit on is a part of life, and happens approximately 67 times a day for your average betch. Even though betches are used to guys trying to creep on…I mean, “talk to” us a lot, there are nonetheless times when a betch never wants to get approached by a guy. Guys, take note, cause I’m apparently on a Mother Theresa kick lately.  

The Gym

Before, after, during, it doesn’t matter. No betch wants to be chatted up while she’s a) wearing Norts and a bro tank with her hair in a ponytail and visualizing how many calories she’s about to burn b) trying to text while do the elliptical without falling off the elliptical, or c) sweating like a grease monkey. I’m not sure what possessed you to ask me at this moment if I have a boyfriend. Is it my sweat stains? Is it my heavy breathing? Is it the residual mascara running down my face? Maybe Drizzy was right?

Walking Hurriedly to Get Somewhere

Not sure if my “GTFO of my way” vibes need strengthening or you’re just that thick-headed because I AM OBVIOUSLY FASHIONABLY LATE TO GET MY ASS SOMEWHERE MORE IMPORTANT THAN IN YOUR CONTACT LIST. If you deter me I will knock you down, and you won’t get up again, and I WILL bring you down.

Grocery Shopping

There are many commercial establishments where it’s acceptable to go up to a girl and strike up a conversation based on common interests, like a bookstore, coffee shop, or even (gasp) a bar. A Whole Foods is not one of these places. What are you even trying to say, anyway? “I can see you’re bougie AF and I’ll have you know I belong to a cigar club”? Give it up. 9/10 times when I go to the grocery store I’m starving already and I just want to get in, get my kale, and get out.

On Public Transportation

Trick question, betches never take public transport.

When She’s At Work

I don’t care where the betch works; she’s still at work and that’s not the time to ask her if she’s wearing space pants ‘cause her ass is out of this world. It’s pretty fucked up because if you’re coming into a business as a customer a betch is basically required to be fake nice to you and will likely get fired for telling you to fuck off even if you deserve to fuck off. (This is not directed at hot coworkers, clearly just the randos who come through). No lie, I was literally creeped on at work by this delivery guy just yesterday and I was low-key pissed about it all day—and before you ask, no it was not the pizza delivery guy and no I do not live in a porno. The reasons I was annoyed were this: 1. It was extremely unprofessional 2. He only tried to get my number because he thought I was alone (my boss was in the bathroom or something and I guess I looked especially vulnerable, all by my little ol’ self, idk) and 3. He literally went about it by first giving me an innocuous compliment, then calling me beautiful (gag), then asking me if I have a phone. Of course I have a phone you dipshit, I live in a first world country and I’m gainfully employed and my phone is sitting right there in plain sight on the fucking table. Apologies for the long rant; DON’T try to corner me at my workplace.

Summary time: if you piss a betch off right off the bat she’ll be even less inclined to talk to you than usual.  If she looks like she’s on a mission, that’s not the time to make it your mission to get her number. It’s actually pretty simple. Please note: none of these rules apply if you happen to be Idris Elba.




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