April 21, 2014
Betches drive like fucking idiots. One of the major consequences of driving like a fucking idiot (aside from almost getting into an accident at every intersection) is road rage. We don’t mean, like, other people getting road rage because you forgot to put on your blinker and then made a sudden turn…although that happens too…we mean like having road rage yourself.
But betches, you might ask, if you yourselves admit you drive like fucking idiots, how could you possibly criticize someone else’s driving?
Um, who invited the hypocrite police? The answer is simple: obviously, when betches do something dumb while driving there’s always a reason or an extenuating circumstance. Like, yeah I just ran that stop sign and almost caused a head-on collision but it was only because there was a shirtless guy walking a Corgi to my right—what was I supposed to do, not look? Chill. You don’t have to honk. And giving me the finger while screaming "Watch where you're going bitch!" was totally unnecessary.
However, when other people drive like idiots, it’s just because they’re fucking idiots, and we waste no time letting them know we’re onto their lack of intelligence. This is usually done by slamming on the horn and making a “WTF ru doing with your life?” face complete with the accompanying hand gesture. NY betches will do all the above and call you a worthless piece of shit who should just kill themselves already and probably introduce you to some new curse words in the process #nonewfriends.
Some everyday causes of a betch’s road rage include, but are not limited to:
Someone making a left turn but there’s no left turn lane: Idgaf that your house is on the left, you’ve just created a mile-long line because your ass couldn’t make three rights like any rational person would do. I ain’t got time for this.
No parking: WTF am I supposed to do now? How big a deal is it if I block someone’s driveway? Like are you really going anywhere right now? Probably not, your house is mad poor. What are the odds that they’d really tow me if I park at the CVS and don’t go into CVS? Why doesn’t my doctor’s office have a fucking valet already?
Having to parallel park: So let me get this straight: I’m supposed to somehow squeeze into this space that may or may not actually be big enough for my car to fit in, I’m not supposed to hit the curb or the other cars, and I’m supposed to do this in oncoming traffic? Yeah, no. Wayyyy too much special reasoning involved.
Traffic: I mean yes I get to jam to my iPod and if it’s sunny out I can get a little extra tanning session in but like I have better shit to do than sit on I-85 for an hour and a half. How the fuck did you even manage to get into an accident, seeing as it’s 75 degrees, sunny, and the middle of the afternoon? Granted I’m totes gonna slow down when I approach the wreck which may not be helping matters but it’s only so I can judge the shit out of you.
People driving slow af for no reason: It’s just barely drizzling, can we stop acting like the roads are impassable? You have a gas pedal; fucking use it. If I’m going to be late to anything it’s because I changed my outfit 17 times before leaving the house, not because some asshole decided it was cool to drive at 25mph and now we all have to do the same because like, rear-ending people is frowned upon.
When people come to a full stop before making a right turn on a green light and don’t use their turn signal: So what you’re saying is, you want me to hit you. As you wish.
Road rage is a universal problem that affects betches at all hours of the day because according to our careful observations, people never stop being morons. At least road rage gives us more material to complain/talk shit about because no matter where a betch lives, everyone will agree that drivers in their city are the absolute fucking worst, hands down. And when that gets old, you can always get a personal driver.