May 20, 2013
So Arrested Development is returning this week and it's about fucking time. Talk about #36 not doing work, these actors have taken like a 7 year vaca between seasons 3 and 4. We love AD for dozens of reasons but one of our favorite parts about the show are all the amazing bat shit crazy betches running around. So in honor of a show that's about as appropriate as Kanye West on a bad day, we give you the Arrested Development Scale of Crazy.
Michael Bluth is by far the most normal and well adjusted character on this show, also making him the most boring. When he's not stopping his siblings from spending company money, he's trying to get them to get a job. Gross. Here's a tip to Michael, get a real house if you want to get a legit girlfriend. There's a reason models don’t date people who live in model homes.
When she's not devising ways to piss off her parents, Maeby is fucking shit up by ditching school to pose as a Hollywood executive. I guess you can't help but be sort of cray when you're named after an adverb.
There's few things more scandalous than taking investor money and using it for your personal gain. Just ask Bernie Madoff. George's list of crazy accomplishments include converting to Judaism in prison, hiding money in the banana stand, running away from jail to hide in his model home attic, and faking his death to go on spring break in Mexico. Also, he's married to betchiest mom of all time.
One might be surprised at George Michael's proclivity towards the crazy side of this list given that he's played by Michael Cera, who's about as bland as his girlfriend Anne on a Monday morning. But wanting to fuck your cousin is seriously disturbing and places him neatly towards the top of our spectrum of psychosis. Time to see a therapist GM, Les Cousins Dangereux is never going to happen.
Lindsay is probably the only woman in the world who wants to be sexually harassed in prison. She's a huge fan of #171 philanthropy events, shopping, and avoiding her children. Her crazy antics include donning a slut shirt to receive more attention, picking up homeless men, raising money for the anti-circumcision movement, and marrying an obviously gay anal-rapist.
Because for some reason everyone in this family has to have the same name, George Oscar Bluth II is nuts mainly because he's a magician, which is creepy as fuck. When your signature line is "I've made a huge mistake" you know you're not making the best decisions around town.
When he's not hooking up with Lucille Two or dressing up with Lucille for Mother Boy he's busy appearing out of nowhere and scaring the shit out of everyone with his hook. Heyyyyyy brother.
Lucille might be one of the betchiest people of all time. When she's not drinking before noon or making fun of her kids for being poor, she's spending money, adopting korean boys out of boredom, and insulting the help. Lucille is the mother we've always wanted, even if her winks scare the shit out of us.
Tobias is the husband we'd have in our nightmares. Not only is he unemployed and questionably gay, but his favorite song is about a pharmaceutical drug, his friends are the Hot Cops, he impersonates a British female housekeeper, he covers himself in blue paint and/or diamond cream, and to top it all off he's a never-nude who likes to wear cut off jeans shorts in the shower. The pictures below say it all. But hey, at least he wins the award on our list of being the most psychotic character on the show with the most crazy characters of all time.