February 24, 2014
Ever wonder what The Bachelor would be like if it played out in the Seven Kingdoms? No, you have a life? Well, we (sort of) do too, but that didn't stop us from writing it up for any of you betches out there who find the House Baratheon more interesting than the House Kardashian.
So with that let's meet our Bachelor, Joffrey!
Would you describe yourself more as "the party-starter," "the wingman" or "the laid-back one”?
Party starter for sure. I like to get things started with a few shots of Jack with my bros. Then I order my harpist to slowly play Rains of Castamere while I slaughter my blood enemies. By the end of the massacre, the cabs arrive and we're ready to hit the town!
Describe your idea of the ultimate date.
First we enjoy a nice glass of wine. Then the date (a virgin) would be tied to my four post bed. She screams as I shoot at her with my crossbow. The next day, I can't stop thinking about her.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
King of the Seven Kingdoms. Oh and of course, all my enemies are dead and my uncle Stannis is feeding me grapes while tied to a horse as a crow eats at his head.
What’s your favorite way to show a girl you’re into her?
I'll tell you what. I'm going to give her a present. After I raise my armies, and kill her traitor brother, I'll give her his head as well.
Let's take a look at what this season has in store for our excited Bachelor Joffrey!
A bit of a social climber, Margie is probs here for the wrong reasons. She wants to be famous and has the manipulative prowess of a Courtney Robertson to get there.
I love it when my date: Teaches me how to use a crossbow, is willing to have sex with my brother and me at the same time, proclaims himself the King of the Seven Kingdoms.
Pros: Hot, friendly, funny, good family, smart, good at pretending to be down to Earth.
Cons: Uses sex to get what she wants, super manipulative.
Sansa has a lot of drama with girls in the house. She’s kind of high maintenance but is like, super classy. Has particularly shitty gaydar.
Also, according to spoilers Joff thinks she's like, really pretty:
I hate it when my date: Beheads my father in front of me and the whole kingdom.
Pros: Hot, obedient, here to find love. Total frontrunner.
Cons: Conflict with the in-laws, slightly uptight, needy, dumb as fuck.
The token single mother. By far the hottest bachelorette but we gotta say she’s a little nuts. Would literally kill to win this show. We predict she’ll be the next Bachelorette.
What is your favorite food? The heart of a stallion.
Pros: Aggressive, willing to relocate to King’s Landing, very sexually expressive.
Cons: Still into her dead ex (so Emily!), may be hard for bachelor to pretend to like her dragon kids by going ice skating with them and shit. Not here to make friends.
Overheard on the two on one date:
Sort of trashy but quite the jokester. Quoted as saying “If Joffrey and I can repel down the wall in the North, I’m sure we can repel through whatever issues we’ll face as a couple.”
Pros: Free spirit, can challenge her guy, feisty, would be great at repelling down the wall, the WGG.
Cons: Super vindictive, the kind of girl that would castrate you if she feels you’ve done her wrong.
How important is your family's approval to you when it concerns dating a certain someone? IDGAF.
She's a bit of a Debbie Downer but the girls in the house seem to like her. Has a bit of a sob story as she’s from a poor family and is sort of a whore.
Pros: Has the tragedy card to play
Cons: Into shorter guys, not super romantic, likes to stir the pot in the Bach house, prostitute (think the Blakeley of Ben Flajnik’s season). Has all the pep of a tired Sharleen.
Although we hear she doesn't make it long on the show, we do know that she's continuing her quest to find true love. Overheard in the limo:
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Sansa Stark because she’s marrying my boyfriend and is rich as fuck.
Would be the Hillary Clinton to Joff’s Bill, can’t help but think she’s trying to advance her career. Mel does not chill with other girls and is a self proclaimed ‘goddess’. Cannot wait to go horse back riding with King Joff.
Pros: super hottie, can look into fireplace while snuggling and know when and how her date will die
Cons: Not so great with being faithful, no prob killing innocents, evil ginger
If you were stranded on a desert island what 3 things would you bring with you and why? My smokey vagina, the blood of a king, waxing kit (this girl gets naked almost as often as Lucy).
Coming up, overheard on the hometown dates!
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing