September 23, 2014
OG American Girl Doll Betch Samantha Parkington has returned from her early retirement. The betch is back. American Girl made the terrible mistake of archiving Samantha in 2012, and they're officially apologizing by making Samantha a part of their Beforever collection. I could give a shit about the other American Girl Dolls (fuck off Molly) but Samantha was my first role model. She was the pre-curser to The Clique books and taught me to never apologize for being so popular.
Here are the 5 reasons why Samantha is a betch's bff:
1. She was the first doll to have true daddy issues written into her bio. Her parents are dead so she's obsessed with trying to please her Uncle Gardner. Sometimes Uncle G's vibe got a little creepy but Samantha taught us that if you have a rich and powerful family member you have to kiss their ass.
2. She doesn't take shit from bros. Remember her asshole of a neighbor Eddie Ryland? Yeah instead of drunk texting him, Sam put on some lipstick and told him to go die in a hole. What an inspiration.
3. She's quiche. There's a whole sub-plot in all of the Samantha books about how much she looks like her mother and how beautiful she is. Fucking duh. This brunette babe is the hottest American Girl Doll. Mostly because she's not a gap toothed bitch like Kirsten.
4. Samantha didn't have real problems like the other American Girl Dolls. One of her books centers wholly around how pissed off she was when her Uncle Gardner got married. That was one of her biggest issues. Compare that to Felicity, who deals with the Revolutionary War. Felicity could have died. Samantha could have worn an ugly flower girl's dress. Which one do you want to read about before you go to bed? Obvi, Samantha.
5. Her grandmother was a combination of Joan Rivers (rip), Maggie Smith, and Chelsea Handler. She did not take shit from anybody and raised Samantha with three commandments: don't be ugly, don't be poor, don't be easy.