August 25, 2015
Last night in Paradise we were given a glimpse into Juelia's pity party, Ashley's overactive tear ducts, and many more relationships that are going nowhere fast. The only thing we didn't get a glimpse into were the actual text messages between Joe and Samantha and Samantha and Nick. Show us the text messages!
Before we recap can we first acknowledge how much Tanner secretly LOVES the drama and also how shitty the weather has been? Just saying.
Ashley: I just want to cry in my room all day.
Joe: I just want some beef jerky.
Ashley: I thought Joe could commiserate in my misery. But he's like nope. I'm not a sensitive guy.
Cut to Joe asking Ashley: So who you gonna give your rose to?
Idk why Ashley was under the impression that Joe would be the resident therapist in the bunch. Yet another accurate character judgment by Ashley.
Ashley: Now I’m gonna be ruined for like, forever. Now every guy I meet I’m gonna compare to him. - Chill girl, you made out two times. Ashley acts like she was just asked for a divorce.
Ashley: Jared has been in his room all day so I don't have to see his perfect face. - I can just picture Ashley standing outside his door all day waiting for him to come out.
Ashley: What can I dooo!?!? What can I do!?
Producer: Get your tips fixed.
Joe: Samantha can either love me and we can get engaged or I can destroy her and make her wish she were never born. - Wow Joe all the ladies at home will sure want to get in bed with you after this reaction.
Joe thought he and Samantha were Bonnie and Clyde whereas Samantha thought he was Forrest Gump and she was Jenny.
Joe is totally blackmailing Samantha into dating him. What a catch.
At this point I think Samantha has not been into Joe for longer than she was actually into Joe.
By the end of the episode Joe is so desperate he's asking crazy Ashley for advice. Seriously?? I bet Gennifer Goodwin in He's Just Not That Into You could be better help than Ashley.
Samantha and Joe really should be together. Both terrible people.
“I absolutely want a girl that will allow me to take her fishing.” - High standards Kirk.
I really DGAF about Kirk and Carly's relationship TBH. Team Tanner/Jade!
Juelia: Mikey is a man, and Joe is a boy. - Too much credit. Mikey is a boy and Joe is a monkey.
Juelia: Mikey came to rescue me and now I'm going on a date because otherwise he’d have to go back to America and get an actual job. - Any true Bachelor contestant knows there's nothing worse than real employment.
Guadelajara is a city for lovers? I think no, unless the lovers are Pablo Escobar and his mistress.
Mikey is LOVING this date, meanwhile Juelia is like wtf is this bullshit wheres my romantic candlelit dinner table in the middle of nowhere??? This date is my personal worst nightmare.
"Mikey came all the way from Chicago to get to know me so I at least owe him some head."
How are Mikey and Juelia already getting a fantasy suite? Their last interaction before today was her rejecting him in favor of Joe. It's honestly hard to tell who is less genuinely interested in who. Just two desperate people trying to save face on national TV.
Juelia: Would you be uncomfortable in the fantasy suite?
Mikey: Um no im a man. I obviously am DTF.
Juelia: Okay, sounds like you’re a gentleman. Let’s do it.