The Best Bachelor Pad Recap You'll Ever Read: The Finale

By The Betches

September 11, 2012

Finally we've reached the Bachelor Pad finale and we'll start by saying that it was actually full of all of the shocking twists and turns that Chris B. Harrison promised it would be. The biggest shocker was that he wasn't even exaggerating how shocking it was. The Bachelor Pad: it's like adult summer camp with margaritas and bikinis and life-wrecking footage.


Let's all just think about the fact that Jamie looked in the mirror before going on the finale and was like yeah, I look really good.

Erica Rose

She lost 15 lbs and half her hair and is still the best at the backhanded apology. "Did I need to bring up the fact that Michael got dumped on national television and had to watch it and had his heart broken? I guess not. Would I do it again? Maybe."


Erica Rose with the outting of Kalon for dating other girls = awkward. E-Rose knows how to get back at a douchebag who said mean things about her. Anyway, it sounds like these two are in a really committed relationship. And by these two, we're referring to Lindzi and her bronzer. 


Michael called Rachel a "summer camp relationship" as in all he wanted was handies in the pool and an over the boob grab after slow dancing at the formal staged concert.

Jaclyn has got Rachel's back. Despite the fact that Rach just backstabbed her last episode, she's fighting her relationship battles for her. True bestie alert. She asked you to skype, Michael! She asked you to SKYPE! And you said no!

Remember when Rachel was all like "the money doesn't matter! I would've left for Michael!" yet she screwed over her best friend for the money, j saying.


true blood recapSay hello to your new stepmom!

Did Chris B. Harrison just call Blakeley an 'aesthetician'? No chance she can spell that.

Tony: Blakeley, will you marry me?
Blakeley: Are you fucking kidding me?

...this engagement brought to you by Neil Lane

Okay Blakeley we git it, Tony makes you want to live love and stop stripping. They were actually really cute. It makes me believe in true love for psychopaths and nice guys.

I can't believe she got engaged in that slutty dress.


What is wrong with Sarah's face? She looks like she did a big ass gummy before coming on.

Chris: The whole situation with Jamie and Blakeley was tough for me...well not for me, but for my family, who I embarrassed with my behavior and now they can barely show their faces at the Cheesecake Factory.

Rachel vs. Nick

The prisoner's dilemma! ABC is so controversial.

I half expected Nick to pull out a gun so I was comparatively relieved when I saw the Keep sign. There goes Rachel's plans to fix her snaggletooth.

"I stayed out of all the drama and just watched all you losers cry and laugh." Newfound respect for Nick. He might be the douchebag we've been waiting for all our lives. He just made 250k doing nothing.

On another note, obviously in the weeks leading up to the finale both people clearly tell each other they're going to share the money. No one is ever going to be like, oh yeah I think I'm gonna take the whole thing. So like, are you gonna give it to me? We should go with that plan.

LOL Jaclyn obviously makes the whole thing about her "ugh, I'm just so mad, like I gave HIM 250,000 dollars???"

So Rachel is not trusting men anytime soon. Who wants to be her next boyfriend!?







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