The Best Bachelor Pad Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 3

By The Betches

We're three weeks into Bachelor Pad and now entirely certain we can sum up the whole series: everyone makes bad decisions and immediately regrets their decision to vocalize their bad decisions. Then they all go around and say whose head is on the chopping block like it's some sort of support group for a fucking sashimi addiction.

In all seriousness though I don't really see an upside to being on this show. It's like you get drunk and then you have to wake up at the crack of dawn to shed tears and embarrass yourself for posterity. How annoying must it be to spend your day wandering the mansion while having a million shady convos about alliances. How they remember all the lies they've told each other is a feat of its own, I'd still be trying to remember people's names.

Part of me wishes ABC won the bid for Olymbetch broadcasting to give us a 3 week chance to regrow our brain cells.

The Hot Sludge Funday

The ABCMT clearly got high when planning this episode because in place of a stupid and obvious but sort of funny symbolic challenge, there was just a ton of fucking ice cream.

bach pad 3You're right, drowning in shit really puts me in the mood.

Chris Harrison making them switch partners for this event was like the horrible college professor who tells the class to split into groups but you're not allowed to work with the people you're already sitting next to aka your friends.

On another note the physical challenges kill me. Obviously there can be no mental challenges given the casting situation.

Seriously, this obstacle course. I didn't sign up to recap fucking Family Double Dare. This is so degrading for a maximum cashout of $250 thousand. Especially because it's only going to be half that after taxes.

Sarah finds something incredibly funny, the joke was, however, lost on me.

The Prom

Dave def didn't have a date to prom so this is great since now he has three. Too bad Jamie is like a full head taller than him.


Jamie's the official clown of Bach pad. She says she didn't go to her senior prom. Somehow I'm not surprised. "I'm so happy to finally see what a senior prom would be like!" .... answer: FUCKING NOTHING LIKE THIS.

However I bet she wishes she'd had the chance to whip out the "my mom disappeared for my senior prom" and play it against Kacie B's bulimia card.

I completely zoned out while Jamie was crying. My apologies for not being at all apologetic.

David calls Jamie's crying "opening up." I call it embarrassment on a viral scale. 

...It's hilarious how embarrassed she is. “I’m here to fall in love!“ Then gets rejected. “I’M LIKE NOT

EVEN HERE TO FALL IN LOVE!“ She actually reeks of desperation. Like I can smell her from my apartment.

She's like the little moron that couldn't.


"HAYYL NO...David is kissin' on Jayyymee."  What was that Blakeley? I couldn't hear you over the sound of your STD test coming up positive.

This bitch is so fucking scary with her ultimatums. Her go-to phrase is always something like "I saw ______ hooking up with ____. It's not ok. I can't let that happen. Next time I'm going to feed them bath salts, that'll really teach 'em a thing or two about eatin' face."

She loves to hide behind the fact that she's a scorpio to justify the fact that she has the same chemical imbalance as like, Jeffery Dahmer.

"I just don't have time for people who are gon' be stupid!" ...I can't decide who's more clinically insane, the fans or Blakeley?

The Wax Museum

When they say they've never been to a wax museum before, what they mean to say is they've never been to a museum before.

"This date rocks. Please keep spraying me with probably toxic wax goo."

Okay now it's time for the tier three character lightning round....

Tony: Chill with the son card. You're not getting the rose. This is a game, remember, "finding love" was last season.

Reid: Looks just like Chandler Bing. 

Chris: is a petulant child, all he does is roll his eyes and complain about shit.

Ed: Why is he such a loud blow job getter?

Michael Stagliano: such a first and last name person. He's just like constantly auditioning for a sitcom.

Kalon and Lindzi: Can Chris Harrison like bribe them to do something besides cuddle and be attractive?

Erica: The smartest most elusive alliance of underdogs has come together in the cliffhanger event of the summer, that could be the most shocking thing in Bachelor Pad history" …there have been like 2 seasons, doesn’t quite constitute a history.

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison, what do you mean this has easily been the closest vote in Bach Pad!? Every week is exactly the same it's one versus the other and one vote swings it.

chandler reidBefore Reid gets in the limo he screams, "Actually it's MISS Chanandler Bong!!"

CBH better fucking call Blakeley's name at the rose ceremony or this bitch is gonna blow up the bachelor house.

So the allure of Donna's boobs fades and she's now on the chopping block. It comes down to Donna or Blakeley. This is win-win.

Nick is trying to get his last little makeout sesh with Donna before her crazy ass goes home. Well played, Nick, well played. Wait who is Nick?

Oh well Donna, at least you got someone to stick their tongue down your throat before you left. I guess she'll have some extra time to prep for her Jerseylicious audition now.

There's something creepy about the way David says 'congratulations' as if its like a skeevy uncle congratulating his niece for being the perfect fit for his lap. 

Oh no Chandler's gone!




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