The Best Bachelor Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 4

By The Betches

Last night's Bachelor was pretty much the exact same thing as every other Bachelor episode in history, plus or minus a shah of sunset and a roller derby rumble more hazardous than the fucking X games. We also have a sneaking suspicion that Sean feels too bad about sending girls home himself so he's just hoping they all break their necks. Seriously though faking an injury has become the best attention-getting strategy since accusing someone else of being there for the wrong reasons.

So Tierra is officially the psycho of the bunch and she's basically the Courtney of this season, however we definitely don't think she'll win despite her claims that she always gets what she wants. I mean if that were true would you be looking for love on national television in the first place? Think about it.

But anyway....really, TWO fucking episodes next week? WE HAVE LIVES ABC, LIVES!

Date with Selma

"Can you handle all 110 pounds baby?" REALLY subtle brag.

"We roll up to the airport and I'm trying to put 2 and 2 together...we must be going on a boat."

Omg a private plane! Somewhere out there Kalon has an erection.

Selma: Where are we!!?
Sean: East Sudan. Now put on this blindfold…

If Selma can mount this mountain I'm pretty sure she can climb me.

Wait, Selma was born in Baghdad? Does the CIA know about this?

Sean: I really want to kiss this girl, so let me bring up her dad.

Seriously ABC you're gonna make this a plotline about how Selma can't kiss on TV? She obviously knew that when she applied and you obviously fucking knew that when you cast her. So she can almost bear her nipples on this show but she can't kiss? However she is so shadily lucky she has a built-in excuse to not fuck Sean because now he's like fucking obsessed with her.

Group Date

The group date card says we have to "roll with the punches" ....I got it, female fight club. We grease up…

Daniella: Me want romantic time.

All I could think about during this roller derby date was Monica Geller waiting tables in roller skates and a poodle skirt.

"Amanda's having a hard time opening her mouth ... I'm concerned" - Sean, a real quote

Sean this group date sucks. Everyone's crying and going to the hospital. What's your next group date idea? Front row seats to a mass shooting?

Tierra: Why should I be tortured every day and live life on edge like this!? ...because you applied to go on the Bachelor. Calm down you're not in Abu Ghraib.

Ugh Sean is so pussy whipped I cannot believe he gave her the rose after that tantrum. See, empty threats DO work!

Date with Leslie H.

For the amount of times that Neil Lane has been on the Bachelor he should at least get a chance to date Sean.

"This is just like pretty woman!" Uh, don't get so excited, that movie was about a hooker. Was his plan to just give her a bunch of nice shit to soften the blow of dumping her?

Golly Lesley, say holy moly one more time.

"Give me a broad outline of how you see your family being built….then please list the immediate causes of World Wars I and II" - Sean

Leslie: Wait, why are you voting me off?
Sean: Because that dress was disgusting.

All Leslie had was a baby duffle bag? Women who pack so little for a long period of time can't be trusted.

Rose Ceremony

"I'm too strong of a woman!" says the girl who's hysterically crying in front of Sean.

Tierra to Robin: I'm here to apologize because you attacked me and you were wrong. But again, this is an apology.

What's with that fugly dark red lipstick color Amanda? You like need a tampon for your mouth.

Sean: I'm not going to give the rose to Amanda because her jaw doesn't work anymore.

Last week's recap>>




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