The Best Bachelor Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 5

By The Betches

It would be pointless to start this recap with anything else other than the fact that they went to Montana and not only that, but it was, to quote, "the most beautiful place Sean has ever seen." And that's how we know he's poor. Seriously though...Montana!? Is ABC losing money? Or did their sponsor just change from Neil Lane to Caitlin's Way? This state hasn't gotten so much publicity since the Oregon Trail passed through.

In the beginning when Daniella was like "yay!! I'm going to Montana to see my boyfriend!" I immediately thought like, wait aren't they gonna kick her off f

or having a secret boyfriend in Montana but then I realized she means Sean. So clearly we're at the point where everyone calls him their boyfriend even though they chilled like two times.


"This is my dream come true, holding hands with Sean in Montana"

What the fuck is an army brat?

Lindsay says she "doesn't even know how she got here." I'll tell you exactly how you got here. You signed up, and went through an intensive application process. They must not teach you that in substitute teacher school. Substitute teachers are glorified babysitters.

Obviously the entire town of White Fish is here to see Sean and Lindsay dance slowly and awkwardly. This is probably the most publicity any city in the history of Montana has gotten.

Sean describing his relationship with Lindsay like it's PB & J. Lindsay's the peanut butter and I'm the bread and my dick is the jelly.


What's with all the fucking flannel? Are lumberjacks known to be privy to canoeing?

"Whichever girl can fill the jar with goat milk to the predetermined line 

the fastest, she will be my wife."

"I don't think having one arm's gonna hold me back today" - Sarah

Chris B Harrison narrated this race like it's the fucking Super Bowl. The red team slowing down and the blue team doing worse wood sawing than a tampon commercial. Talk about an epic match of red vs. blue.

"Maybe my wife is on the blue team!" More romantic words have never been spoken.

Then the girls get so pissed about the blue team coming back. Desiree's like "Oh hell no I did not down goat's milk for this." And Sarah's like "What the hell? I gave an arm and a leg for this team."

When Selma gets angry…Selma goes after the infidels.

How to win a rose on a group date: act insecure and cry. Sean will literally give a rose to anyone who cries. He's gonna make the biggest pussy dad.


What is this weird line in your forehead? What are you writing down? Confessions of a call girl? A very sad handwritten book?

"I need to see the guy I'm dating. I came all the way to Montana to spend time with you!" Okay Tierra this trip was both mandatory and free.

She reminds me of Isla Fischer in Wedding Crashers. "Don't ever leave me. 'Cause I'll find you!"

Tierra pulls the last minute hail Mary with this 'my ex boyfriend was a junkie and now he's dead' card. And Sean proves that he is a dumb southern idiot by picking crazy cakes Tierra who is basically a less hot version of Courtney.


Sean: Desiree is confused which makes me confused about our confusion. We're in a weird place.

"If I want to get engaged I can easily go get engaged." Jesus Tierra it's not like picking a nail color.

SEAN IS SO FUCKING DUMB. "If I don't know something Tierra's done that affects me directly then someone should say something." Um hello Sean did you not just speak with Jackie like 2 hours ago and she told you exact details of Tierra being a backstabbing bitch?

Robyn Hood...OUT.




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