March 5, 2013
So for this season's Women Tell All, Sean and his BFF Chris Harrison decided to mix things up a bit by surprising underage teenage girls at their houses unannounced. Nice Sean, taking a break from breaking women's hearts to get half naked for minors.
Chris Harrison both lies and scares the shit out of us as he states that Bachelor fans are the biggest fans in the world. Um we're sure Justin Bieber would beg to differ. Chris warns "To all those girls out there watching the Bachelor watch out. We may be coming to your house." I just ordered an expensive security system.
Our only comfort with this weird intro was the knowledge that Ben Flajnik is probably at home scratching his head and wondering why sorority girls never asked him to take off his shirt and why Francine from Arthur got more ass than him.
Additionally, after sixteen seasons it seems Chris Harrison was at last starting to gain some self awareness as he stated, "Last week in what might've been the most dramatic rose ceremony ever and you know I never say that." But really the star of last night's show was Tierra's eyebrow and Sarah's awkward nub-to-hand clap. But just for shits and giggles let's take a look at everything else that happened.
Sorry in advance for all the Sarah arm bashing but we had to get this all out of our system since it's our last chance: We may go to hell for the following jokes/puns about Sarah's arm. It's like a spoiler, if you don't want to know, don't read on.
Why is Sarah's nub all red and irritated? Get some fucking bacitracin or something.
But really Sarah I'm sure with that kind of baggage you could've been funnier about it. Imagine if Sarah was like to Sean during their first convo "So there's something pretty obvious about me that I have to address....: I have really big ears"
"She won America's
heart arm and she left in tears."
"Sarah opens up about her
heart arm break"
"The fact that Sean didn't treat me differently is all I ever wanted." Sarah – How could he have possibly treated you differently? What was he supposed to do? Make an announcement of '2 arms good. One arm bad'?
"My whole life I've been strung along by guys that I'm interested in and I think the feeling is reciprocated and I wind up hearing 'you're great where is your other arm?'"
When Tierra is speaking the rest of the girls faces are like twitching so hard. It's like they've all got Tourette's.
Tierra's one-on-one with Chris Harrison is essentially useless as she can't remember anything the whole time because she was probably doing meth during commercial breaks via her forehead ditch.
But actually, MIA last night was the dent in Tierra's forehead, props to whoever does her botox.
Tierra channels her inner Gretchen Wieners: "It's difficult for me because I light up in a room. I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me... but I can't help it that I'm so popular."
"Calling me unfriendly is taking it to the extreme." Since when is that an extreme statement?
"I can't control my eyebrow." - line of the night.
Tierra is engaged. Dreams do come true.
Ah she was a child pageant star. It all makes sense now.
So whatever happened to AshLees ex husband? Someone should check 6 feet under her lawn.
"How can you just throw me out like that?" You're on the bachelor. What's with this checking on the girl who goes home? Those aren't the rules you only get personally broken up with if you're bulimic or have one arm.
Also, she got rid of her bangs (good) dyed her hair light blonde (not good) got lip injections (good except that I can fucking see it without my glasses so NO BUENO)
I have a feeling one would not wanna call Ashlee a liar.... Ashlee is like female version of American Psycho. You know after Sean dumped her she went home and personally organized the shit out of her entire house.
But really AsheLee is actually really scary. When she was in love with Sean I wouldn't be surprised if she fantasized about skinning Sean and wearing him as a coat.
Katie still hasn't gotten a hair iron. Some people never learn.
Selma looks like she got a nose job and they forgot to poke the holes back in.
WHO IS BROOKE
Lesley is awkwardly in front of the camera so everytime they pan on her it looks like she's giving us a dirty look.
And finally we see the bloopers and find out that Sean can't open a wine bottle and that's just not okay. We thought we were going go get to see the next Bachelorette but ABC just decided to show us a montage of a now dead dog that no one knew existed besides people who were contestants on the Bachelor/Bachelorette, what a rip.