The Best Bachelorette Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 7

By The Betches

This week on the Bachelorette we got to visit Prague, otherwise known as the least romantic city in Europe. Sadly no one informed Emily that you go to Prague for a cheap hooker and to watch your fat friend eat fried cheese sandwiches and street dick, not to fall in love. Amidst all the attempts at romance by the six remaining guys, we were dying for something interesting to happen that didn't involve a puppet show, an ugly crew member, or the internal musings of a potential serial killer Chris. I mean, wouldn’t it be like WAY funnier if a gypsy mugged them on camera?

Honestly, what we're really surprised by is the producers' ability to take a group of American red necks and throw them into someplace with culture, museums, and moderately priced wine and see how they react. Sean is all like, "wait, Czech out Prague? I think she like misspelled it or somethin’ boys!" I guess we got that one courtesy of the ABC metaphor team's autistic half-sister, the ABC pun team. Whatevs, thankfully we could tell Emily was trying her best be a typical #3 abroad girl, sporting peace signs by the Lennon wall, visiting the lock and key fence, and avoiding all Czech people. Check.

Date with Arie

So wait, is it a big deal that Arie dated a producer? Or that he dated a fugly girl?

I love when Emily swears, it makes it feel like we're getting to know the girl behind the overalls.

The Chris B segments were great but you fucking idiots should have filmed that 3 way convo. This entire Cassie scandal was a waste of my 13 and a half if you're going to make something out of fucking nothing, at least make it end badly.

Also Emily WTF is that tiger stripe top? Like have you been raiding Snooki’s closet?

Arie: I fell in love with you during the screening of Brave.

Date with John "sad little eliminated wolf"

Why is the Native American guy still here? Like has he even done anything remotely interesting? Give us something pleaaase...a rain dance...anything...

You can't call yourselves lovers, I’ve seen more chemistry between a chip and dip.

Who is feeding Emily all these historical facts about the castle and the Lennon wall? That is definitely not in the North Carolina high school curriculum.

John seriously relied way too much on dropping these sympathy bombs. I like your ex’s thought process though, dump the crying sack of shit for a hot doctor she met at happy hour.

John: My date was so great too bad the Chief never taught me how to speak anything other than Cherokee and monotone.


Sean runs after Emily to share a kiss and hopefully some wiener schnitzel with her. Their makeout sesh looks like something out of a Jack The Ripper novel or like, last week's Bachelorette.

Group Date

Doug, if this date is an 11 and a half year old's dream, why didn't you invite Jef!?!

"My loneliness... is killin me" - Chris

Side note: We love when they show segments of the guys sitting around and talking in the house. It makes me think, wow these guys look really fresh after this morning's orgy.

Date with Jef

Jef's coif is straight out of the cartoon network.

"I think Jef would be a great dad because he's just like a big kid himself" ...yeah because that's just what I want, a prepubescent dad.

Jef and Emily find their way to the library from Beauty and the Beast and what better person to have a puppet show date with than Pinocchio Jef. The only thing more boring than a real puppet show was this weird role playing via puppets with all their clothes on that I just witnessed. Does it not concern Emily that this is Jef's idea of flirting? Like oh, yeah let's do a puppet show as the prelude to our make out sesh. How does he warm Emily up for some fingering? A finger puppet show? And this little piggy went to the asshole...

Next week Ems will have to meet his siblings because shadily Jef has no parents. Little orphan Jef's parents didn't even have the deceny to throw him that one extra F.

Rose Ceremony

There will be no cocktail party. Emily has made her decision. But you can still have a drink. Because I already paid the DJ bartender.

That purple sequiny gown... it was my mom's in the 80s!

John made the most graceful exit of the season yet. "I shared things with her, and the rest of #63 America, that I don't share with other people."

If Chris didn't get a rose we would've been scared for Ems, he was about to go Hulk on someone's ass. You're not gonna like me when I'm angry!! That bro is more bitter than Passover herbs.


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