The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 8

By The Betches

So even though we are stateside once again, we took a nice tour de Eastern European countries. Between the Netherlandish and Polish accents we had a more serious cultural experience than when we went #3 abroad. Seriously though, why does everyone have foreign parents? Is that the way it works in America? Your parents are either foreign or midwestern hicks?


So on a scale of 1 to Polish, Chris is like reallyyyy Polish. The Poles are honored to have “Amelie" in their VERY humble home yet for some reason his dad sounds just like Officer Rhodes..."methinks me lad Christopher could fit his lucky carrot in yer bag!"

This Polish mariachi band.... Now I'm getting a Big Fat Greek Wedding vibe. Or perhaps Fiddler on the Roof...Anatevka..Anatevka..

Also, enough with the families telling the camera that you're afraid your son's heart will get broken. Just once I would like to see someone's bitter, angry brother be like "I would like to see Chris' heart get the shit kicked out of it. That'll teach him to stretch out my pants."

Apparently Chris was on some serious uppers for this hometown date, his weird head-bobbing and shoulder swaying is back in full swing, legiterally. Sorry Ems but Chris isn’t being open with his feelings, he just has a chemical imbalance.


So Jef brought us to Utah to meet his sister wives at the compound. Seriously where the fuck are Jef's parents? Is he like the Richie Rich of the compound? These people are doing so-called "charity" but aren't even generous enough to give their son a complete name. And what is with the amusement park in Jef's backyard? Who are all these kids? Is this Neverland ranch?

None of Jef's "siblings" look like they could possibly be related. Really enjoyed the dark low-lights on his sister's hair, very Teen Mom skunk. The brunette girl looked like a vampire. It was kind of like a picnic with the Cullens. Everyone looked eerily pale and was very attentive to everything Emily said.

"Jef has an edge" ...yeah like the corner of Sesame Street.

Emily WOULD take gun lessons. This is an excellent activity for little Ricki. Being able to shoot your potentially pedophiliac stepdad is a total must in the South.

I like how their date was on a glorified haystack under an umbrella WTF.

Jef wrote a little note, cute… did he use crayons and stickers? I HATE when they do the letter readings where they list the shallow obvious reasons why they think they love each other after spending but 24 total hours together and barely fucking know each other.


Arie and his dad share a passion for racing which we all secretly know is Arie's secret weapon for convincing his family that he's straight.

Arie's mom can't emote because of the botched Nordic botox job. She was creepily staring at Emily like "Ve can be twins, yah?" Not only that but she's giving me a Stifler's mom meets Kate Winslet in The Reader vibe. This bitch does not give a fuck how much he makes Emily laugh, she wants to make sure this bitch keeps her hands off her family racing money.  "I know zat Arie is falling fo' you vecause I tortured him into telling me ze truth."

Arie's twin brothers are so obviously in the middle of puberty. They should go have lemonade with the Jef's.


It was sooo funny how he was like doing roll call with all the stuffed animals. "Oh, and here's Ted." I'm sure he blazes with Moo Moo all the time. For a second I thought I unfairly labeled Jef as the manchild.

Sean always seems to be like running or fast walking… this isn’t the Amazing Race, it’s a reality show dating competition with like fixed times and schedules for when you get your heart broken. Chasing after her and yelling out a half assed "Emily" and skipping down the street will not get you the fucking rose.

Rose Ceremony

The last 15 minutes are always so fucking annoying, like cut to the fucking chase and break some fucking hearts.

I think Ems either gets her rose ceremony couture from the costume closet of Miss Congeniality 2 Armed and Fabulous or from a pool of unicorn vomit.

Chris isn't even crying. He's got that Polish heart of stone!

I knew the hulk would come out halfway into the limo ride.

Pożegnanie, Chris. That means good bye in Polish.

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