The Best Bachelorette Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 8

By The Betches

Last night's episode sucked more dick than Drew. I know we've been hating this season because of the boring, ugly, homosexual contestants who have no business pursuing a woman in real life let alone on national television (except Chris who is probs straight), but last night it hit me that Des is the problem. She is just so fucking boring. We get it, you love Brooks, but have you even watched this show? You're RUINING THE GAME.

Meanwhile the other guys all still think they have a shot. They also think they're straight, so there's that.

Every single guy on this show: "There's no way Des is feeling this way about anyone else. I can tell by her slutty kisses."

Date with Zak

Zak: I had a dream last night that the sun melted us and then you gave me a blowjob.

Is Zak on shrooms for this date telling Des about his creepy dreams? Chill, having dreams is for Martin Luther King Jr.

Just when you think the dream analysis was maxing out the creepiness, Zak shows Des what a pedophile he is by pulling up in a sno-cone truck. How poor. It reminds me of that episode of Hey Arnold with the heatwave or like, True Life: I'm Homeless.

Zak has a family? I could've sworn all fluid engineers were serial killers. 

We totally agree with Zak's family. We're also completely shocked he managed to make it to hometown dates given that he was the shirtless freak who asked Des if she would accept his abs. 

And he looks absolutely nothing like his family. Are they actors?

Who does this singing couple think they are, Brandon Jenner and wife?

Date with Drew


"Today is my day to really throw Des into the deep end and see if she can swim with this family." Really Drew, have you been watching Finding Nemo again?

"I don't think my family has ever seen me like this before." What, with a girl?

This pink shirt is not doing much for your gay reputation Drew.

Drew is actually holding his mother's hands. JUST COME OUT ALREADY. 

Finally can we just discuss about the shameless exploitation of Drew's sister who is so obviously disabled to the point where she can't even speak and therefore clearly could not consent to be on this show. ABC's ruthless quest to make this boring as fuck episode even remotely shocking or different is the only real joke here.

Date with Chris


Oregon is exactly the kind of boring state Chris would be from. Fucking McMinnville.

It is SO weird that Chris' dad is like emptying his nasal tube while talking about his love life. First of all it looks like he's putting whippets up his nose. Second of all he's clearly just using this TV cameo to promote his chiropractor business.

"I really enjoyed getting my back aligned, but I really want to talk about dating Chris"

I can't listen to anything Chris' mom has to say because I keep waiitng for something to jump out of her deep ass cheek bones.

There she goes again saying there's definitely a poh-tential husband in Chris. 

Date with Brooks


Of course Des doesn't mind moving to Salt Lake City because the only thing she has to compare it to is a trailer park. 

I can't believe the whole family is wearing name tags. Seriously ABC you couldn't come up with a better strategy than using the labels worn at PTA meetings.

Des: I love Brooks.  - so that settles it.

Brooks to his family: Des is more than just my boner. 

Des: How are you feeling about us?
Brooks: I'm feeling aight.

Brooks is trying really hard to find excuses to dump Des: If my mother doesn't say Des loves red velvet cupcakes I don't know if this relationship can continue.

Rose Ceremony & Shit


Oh great Des' crazy tattooed brother is here to fuck shit up. He's like a horrifying serial killer with meth teeth he's gotta go.

Des is delusionally dating Brooks and says she wants a proposal from him. SPOILER ALERT.


Des axes Zak and gives back the ring that he so thoughtfully picked out in AC to express the kind of long lasting devotion and romance that one finds in New Jersey.




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