The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 9

By The Betches

So this week on Pirates of the Caribbean: The Lady of 3 Men, we are in Curacao, where Emily will most likely try to look like a sexy buccaneer. Sadly although this was the fantasy suite episode there was less fucking going on in this episode than TomKat's marriage. With no secret love affairs with producers or accusations of current boyfriends, this episode left us relatively bored as fuck, without even a nice scuba diving or shark swimming date to keep us on our toes.

It's like common ABC. We get that Emily is like really happy that she’s in a place where she can show off her metallic bikinis but does that mean you have to fill this neverending two-hour excuse for commercials by going through each guy’s fucking bachelor careers? Like we all watched the show, we wouldn’t just decide to start watching this one random piece of shit like 39 weeks in.

But anyway it was made overly clear that Emily had some tough decisions to make this week. You knew she was feeling pensive because she was wearing a dark blue dress while walking on the beach. "Can you tell that I am as deep as this blue?" After the hometown dates I guess Em was slowly eliminating all the poor dudes and was wisely starting to narrow down her potential future husbands by the square footage of their hometown abodes. In the end we wondered why she didn't just put us out of our misery and end this whole thing by choosing Arie for herself and Jef for Ricki's boyfriend/BFF/babysitter. Talk about a triple threat. 


We learn that Sean treated his sole girlfriend like a "buddy." And by buddies did he mean bodies? Because it seems like the more airtime he gets the more he's starting to replace Chris as most likely to be a fucking serial killer

"I like sean but like....I don't wanna fuck him" - Emily, while contemplating the fantasy suite cards. Clearly.

Sean's high school girlfriend is watching this and probably plotting his murder for stringing her along for all those years and then outing her for being delusional on national television.

During the most boring date of all time I just zoned out for a bit and then I zone back in and they are at the same cabana my parents got me when I was like 14.

Why does Sean think that their lives will be without distraction? Emily gave birth to the ultimate fucking distraction.


Jef: Do you think I'd be a good parent? Why?
Emily: Yes because you're fun, and great, and you want to be one. - Sorry but this is bullshit I'm fun and great and I want to be Angelina Jolie but it doesn't mean I'd be good at it, idiot.

Emily kept referencing him playing at the park but I don’t even get how she distinguished him from the other kids.

Jef legitimately looks like the people I met/partied with/never saw again on that same Caribbean cruise vacation when I was 14.

Jef's mormon parents have decided they'd like to meet Emily so they can convert her to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and if not, kidnap her daughter to be the wife of one of Jef's other brothers. Nice All-Saints dress Em, but wouldn’t a Latter-Day Saints dress have been more approps?

"You're an amazing girl yet no one wants to marry you. What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you have Jennifer Aniston syndrome or are you just bad in bed?"

Jef as a mormon is soooo not allowed to have sex before marriage. That's it. He's a virgin. He's totes gonna be dropped from the church if his mom finds out he had sex with a slutty widow...

Even if he could accept the fantasy suite card we're sure it looks nothing like his ideal fantasy suite: car beds, spiderman posters and mounds of sour patch kids.

"Right now is the time for us to bridle these passions."  - Okay psychopath did you find that in the bible? You know how I know you're gay? You're a guy and you just said this to get out of fucking a girl.

Somehow it took us this long to notice that Jef looks exactly like Mikey from The Goonies. Upon this realization we kept waiting for him to say "There's a time and a place for everything. And it's their time up there. But it's our time down here." But instead the real Jef came back and fucked shit up with sayings like "There's a time and a place to have sex with you. And that time is after we are married. And that place is in the commune with a hole cut between the sheets so we don't have to touch each other." 


Emily casually hates her hometown. She'll move to Salt Lake City, Scottsdale, fucking East Compton. Anything to get out of Charlotte. She must be labeled the town harlot. I guess it makes sense since her only friends look like they're 40-something supporting roles from The Office.

Also why are you such a bullshit artist, we all know you just want to give her a makeover.

Arie wants to be best girlfriends with Ricki and is being straight up about the fact that he just wants to go for group dinners with his besties after work and get blackout.

Rose Ceremony

Chris B. Harrison, it's time to eat something you're starting to look gaunt.

Did they really just have a solid 10 minutes of Emily saying the same shit over and over again. "This decision is so tough. This decision is so hard. These are three great guys." OMG THIS IS SO DIFFERENT THAN THE COMMENTARY THAT'S MADE EVERY SINGLE OTHER EPISODE OF EVERY SINGLE SEASON, ABC.

Emily you stupid bitch, why are you leaving it on Sean to direct this goodbye conversation? Why don’t you fucking explain why you broke his fucking heart on national television? Also if you wanted it to be him so badly then why isn’t it him?

Also, like how awks must it have been to film these video messages, especially for Arie as his ex was standing right there.

Really Sean? This can't possibly be the first time you feel dumb, you played football in college.

See you later, Sean. Your children would have been too blonde to function anyway.





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