December 30, 2013
The time is nigh. As you can probably guess, I get a lot of shitty emails, but some stand out above the rest. Behold, the undisputed champion of 2013’s terrible, terrible emails:
Dear Head Pro,
I have been working with this new company for about 8 months now. It is a very small company, my two other coworkers are actually the owners of the business and they are male first cousins. They have already made huge investments in my future with the company (sending me for post-secondary education and paying for new licensing fees, etc.). About two months ago I met the son of one of my bosses. He had come into the office to help with a project that we were working on. Within weeks we were texting each other, laughing our asses off and eventually I invited him to dinner at my house to talk about some business.
Obviously, we were eye-fucking each other the entire time. As luck would have it, the culinary gods descended upon me and I made one of the best meals I have every made in my entire life, and I am already a pretty talented chef. As you might imagine, my culinary skill and quick wit combined with my hip-hugging pencil skirts and sexy stilettos eventually got to him and, after a night of drinking (which he invited me to), we had amazing, AMAZING sex. The next week, he invited me out to poker night with his buddies (it should be said that most bros consider me a ladybro). As soon as I walk in, all of the guys are making references to the hilarious jokes that me and boss son have been sharing via text message, so this bro is clearly talking about how witty and hilarious I am to all of his bros. Again, that night, we bang it out in what his roommate described as “a category 5 fuck storm”.
Now, I realize that this cannot continue. He is my boss’ son and I envision a great future with the company but now I feel like me and this bro have established a pretty great connection. We keep each other laughing all day long via text and when I am around him he is so attentive and clearly trying to constantly get my attention. Whenever I post anything on facebook, especially selfies, he is the first to like my post. My boss and I (not the father of the bro) are probably going to the same New Years Eve party. Bro found out about the party and I get the vibe that he wants to be invited, not because I am going but because the venue is dope as fuck.
So, what do I do? Play it cool and ignore his obvious desire for an invitation or invite him and risk the chance that one of several things might happen: A: my boss seeing us lock lips at midnight B: wanting to lock lips with him and not be able to C: have my feelings hurt by watching him lock lips with someone else Either way this all really sucks because I have no future (other than friendship) with this bro that I really enjoy being around and banging (he’s definitely in my top three for best ever). How do I move forward in this situation? To invite? Not to invite?
Keeping It In The Family
The thing about this email is that I don’t even know where to start. Somehow, not responding to it at all and writing a 3,000 word missive would both be appropriate reactions. To begin with, this email gets points for having been forwarded to me by the girls, despite it addressing me in the salutation. Then, it does a phenomenal job of peppering in absolute insanity while somehow staying on-topic. It’s really something. Let’s take a look at some of the best parts and kind of let them speak for themselves, except not because I’m going to talk about them anyway:
“They have already made huge investments in my future with the company (sending me for post-secondary education and paying for new licensing fees, etc.).”
This seems like a poor investment, on their part. I project the IRR on that one to be somewhere around -2,390%.
“eventually I invited him to dinner at my house to talk about some business."
Why? Why on earth would you do that? When has anyone ever done that? When I’m done working, the last fucking thing I want to do is invite someone into my home to further discuss work. I don’t care if it’s Candice Swanepoel pitching me the idea of a porno starring me, her and the rest of the VS angels. I’m off the clock, fuck off.
“Obviously, we were eye-fucking each other the entire time.”
Why is this obvious? It isn’t. And, hey: If it’s obvious, it doesn’t need to be said, now does it?
“As luck would have it, the culinary gods descended upon me and I made one of the best meals I have every made in my entire life, and I am already a pretty talented chef. As you might imagine, my culinary skill and quick wit combined with my hip-hugging pencil skirts and sexy stilettos eventually got to him and, after a night of drinking (which he invited me to), we had amazing, AMAZING sex.”
Oh God. This. All of this. I think it was at this point when I first read this email that I realized that things were taking a turn for the batshit. First of all, you are not a “chef.” A chef is paid and usually in charge of a kitchen. You are just someone who occasionally prepares foodstuffs to sustain themselves, which is true of literally everyone alive on earth today, except babies. Congratulations on not being a baby. Why the fuck would you be wearing a pencil skirt (which is hip-hugging by definition, thank you) and heels INSIDE YOUR HOUSE, and why would I “imagine” that those things, along with edible food, are what led to the two of you fucking? Also, how do you “invite” someone to a night of drinking when you’re already at their place? “Hey, since I’m here, I’m going to go ahead and get shitfaced. You may join me if you wish.”
“(it should be said that most bros consider me a ladybro).”
No, it should not be said, because no one on the fucking planet says that about you. Only YOU say that about you, because you are a crazy person.
“As soon as I walk in, all of the guys are making references to the hilarious jokes that me and boss son have been sharing via text message, so this bro is clearly talking about how witty and hilarious I am to all of his bros.”
False. False, false, false. Do you really expect anyone to believe this, that a bunch of people you have never met were using your (I’m sure HILARIOUS) text message jokes as entertainment fodder? Are you out of your fucking mind? Have you ever done that? Has one of your friends ever been dating someone, and shared some text jokes with the group, and then that was what you all talked about? No, because that’s fucking stupid.
“Again, that night, we bang it out in what his roommate described as ‘a category 5 fuck storm’.”
I hate you so Goddamn much right now. No one has ever said that, at least not to their roommate. “Bro, that was a category 5 fuck storm you were brewing up last night.” “Uh, thanks, I guess? Why were you listening, and now why are you talking to me about it?”
“when I am around him he is so attentive and clearly trying to constantly get my attention.”
Is he a cat?
“Whenever I post anything on facebook, especially selfies, he is the first to like my post.”
Especially selfies. ESPECIALLY selfies. What’s that, you’re so deluded and in love with yourself that you post multiple photos of your face, photos taken by yourself because no one else likes you enough to take and preserve your effigy for time immemorial, on Facebook? Huh, you don’t say…
“I get the vibe that he wants to be invited, not because I am going but because the venue is dope as fuck.”
“(he’s definitely in my top three for best ever)”
Do girls really do this, compile and maintain a list, ranked, of the best lays they’ve ever had? I’m asking seriously. No guy does this, or at least no guy I’d ever want to be around. That shit gets old past the age of like 20. If you can keep a list like that past 20, you’ve somehow managed to simultaneously have too many and too few sexual partners.
What kills me is that after all of this, after all of the verbal autofellatio, she decides he wants to be invited not because of her, but because of the venue. You know what’s really fucked up? Somewhere inside all of this bullshit, there’s a legitimate question about dating the offspring of a boss or coworker. For anyone in a similar situation, I would say that, cautiously, you can go for it because you’re a girl. Right or wrong, a male boss is not going to look out for and protect his son the way he would a daughter. The guy’s not going to tell his dad about the weird sex stuff you do, and your boss won’t ask. The only time I’d advise against it is if your boss is a woman, because mothers lord over their sons like fucking hyenas over a carcass. As soon as momboss realizes you’re corrupting her boy, you’re fucked.
What I’m saying is, there’s no good reason why the two of you couldn’t date, outside of you being a delusional asshat.
Happy New Year,