April 13, 2015
Game of Thrones came back last night, and if you’re still one of those people pretending that you don’t love it than you can GTFO. Westeros, Besteros. No promise on the spelling of any of these names. I'm not a fucking magician and Microsoft Word is not an R. R. Martin fan.
The episode opens with something we haven't seen before: a Cersei flashback. It wasn't her and Jaime playing doctor in the attic of Casterly Rock, as I would have put a solid amount of Lannister gold on. Young Cersei, accompanied by an unnamed girl, goes to see a cracked out forest witch so she can get her fortune tol #littlewesterosthings. The witch tells her that, yes, she's going to be queen, but will eventually be replaced by a younger, more beautiful girl, who will basically ruin her life. This sounds less like a fortune and more like "aging for women: 101," but baby Cersei is pissed nonetheless.
Back to the future: Cersei goes to see her father's dead body, probably to spit on it or something. Jaime is already there, bringing with him all of the sexual tension that two twins standing before their abusive and manipulative father's corpse requires. He tells Cersei that they should probably get their shit together before everyone figures out that Tywin was the only person keeping their incestuous boat afloat. Turns out, despite their passionate and genetically damning reunion last season, she's pretty pissed because she knows Jaime released Tyrion, the only person in the world she hates more than Margaery Tyrell.
Jaime: Wanna bang?
Cersei: You are literally the only person our father loved and now he's dead because of you.
Jaime: …Wanna bang?
Cersei spends the entire episode being pissed at everyone she's related to and also everyone she's not. So, nothing new here. She's forced to interact with her gay fiancé Loras for all of 15 seconds, and rolls her eyes so hard that her optic nerve probably detaches.
Her old flame (and cousin) Lancel shows up with a shaved head, which is an 100% improvement over the Lord Farquaad he was rocking before. He's joined some cultish religious sect called The Sparrows, and is here to make amends, I guess? Apparently even religious fanatics aren't down with fucking your blood relatives.
Lancel: Hey, sorry about the incest.
Lancel: Also, sorry for maybe causing your husband’s death
Cersei: You don't understand I'm literally of fan of everything you just apologized for.
Tyrion emerges from the crate he escaped the capital in much the same way I emerge from my room every Monday morning. The first thing he does is walk straight to the wine and start chugging. Same.
Actual human egg Varys is also there with the worst-timed speech of the century about how it's down to the two of them to save Westeros. The sound of responsibility makes Tyrion puke up all of his wine, and then he proceeds to drink the rest of it. Double same.
Varys: You're not the hero Westeros deserves, or even wants, but you are one of the last living cast members.
Tyrion: I just murdered my whore girlfriend and asshole father, can you chill for one fucking second.
Varys finds Tyrion again later that day, because a few hours should be enough time to recover from the betrayal, double homicide, and extended period of time at sea in a crate thing. He starts back in on his "save Westeros" campaign, while Tyrion continues to guzzle wine. He never abandons the glass and goes straight in for a pull, which is equal parts admirable and a giant waste of time.
Varys: We need to preserve the union at all costs.
Tyrion: Hey, Abraham Lincoln, calm the fuck down. In case you forgot, everyone in Westeros hates me.
Finally, Varys makes the move we've all been waiting for and rips off his dress to reveal his "Team Daenerys" shirt underneath. (Khaleesi and Hillary going public in the same day? #illuminati). Tyrion agrees to go to Mereen to see her, as long as he can car bar the entire time. Same.
Despite being the most feared warriors this side of the Narrow Sea, the Unsullied are getting murdered in brothels. That’s what you get for paying prostitutes to cuddle.
The second old white dude to swear allegiance to Khaleesi is like, “Hmmm, maybe the city we conquered isn't down with a tiny white girl coming in and overturning their century old social structure, even if it was unjust.” Khaleesi is like “Whatttttttttt. That can't be it.”
Her hand maiden Missandei (holy shit she does have a name) hears about all these Unsullied showing up in brothel’s and turns into a real life version of the shifty eye emoji face. She seeks out Grey Worm, who we all know is her love interest based on that single interaction last season, duh.
Missandei: So your bros are hitting up prostitutes like no other. Does this mean…..
Grey Worm: Hard nah. Still don’t have any balls.
In the best news since Joffrey's death, Daario Naharis is still around and definitely still Khaleesi's slam piece. We get a gratuitous shot of his ass because Westeros has not one God, but seven. They're discussing reopening slave pits and how to secure Daenerys’ precarious hold on Mereen, so you know, casual pillow talk. Daario tries to convince Dany to release her dragons, because without them she's a teenage white girl with a purchased army, and this is not a dystopian YA novel. She reluctantly agrees, and heads to the catacombs to check on the giant man-eating, fire-breathing lizards she locked up.
Khaleesi: Hey dragons. You still mad that I trapped you in a dark enclosed space with no food or people to eat?
Dragons: Uh. Yeah.
Loras has clearly moved on from Renly and moved on to one of the many pretty gay boys that populate the capital. “You’re birthmark is shaped like Dorne.” Solid pickup line, Oliver. You’re obviously here for your commentary.
Margaery walks in, unphased by the butt sex because I’m pretty sure Highgarden is a complete den of iniquity. She kicks Oliver out because Loras is late for dinner with Cersei, who is definitely distraught at his absence. To his credit, Oliver has zero shame about the whole “unapologetically gay” thing considering it’s a time period where you get burnt alive for that kind of behavior. He straight up walks out of the room naked. Respect.
Loras: Tywin is dead so I’m off the hook. Looks like you’re stuck with Cersei forever
Margaery: *looks into the camera like she’s on the Office* We’ll see about that.
I would say Margaery is definitely plotting something, but that also might just be Natalie Dormer’s face. I can never tell.
Everyone's favorite statutory couple is back, and they're trying to sell off the dead weight cousin that came with the territory of killing Sansa's crazy aunt. The man Baelish is trying to pawn him off on literally says he "fights like a little girl with cerebral palsy." Peasants in Westeros making jokes I would make if there was no such thing as a comments section.
Random guy: This kid is a little bitch.
Baelish: Aw come on he’s only thirteen, he'll grow up.
Guy: Thirteen is fucking middle aged, this is Westeros.
Sansa and Petyr ride away without Robin, so clearly some kind of deal was struck. They ride past a moody AF Brienne who is still super butt hurt that Arya didn't want to come with her. Human puppy Podrick becomes the first person in about 4 seasons to genuinely give a fuck about Sansa by reminding Brienne that there is one more Stark daughter roaming around.
Brienne: We'll never find Sansa, she's lost forever. God, Podrick, you're so stupid.
*30 feet away*
Sansa: So where are we going?
Petyr: To a land with no age of consent.
Casual reminder that Petyr is only helping Sansa because she looks like her dead mom AKA he is the Snape of Westeros.
Jon Snow is forced to suffer a mile long elevator ride up the wall with Melisandre, who proceeds to hit on him with all the subtlety of a drunk Jack Nicholson.
Melisandre: You a virgin?
Melisandre: You got kik?
She takes him to see Stannis who has pretty much taken over at the Wall after saving their asses from the Wildings last season. He wants to recruit the remaining Wildlings to help him retake Winterfell, and in exchange will give them freedom and land. Probably a lie, but whatever. In order for the deal to work, Manse (the King of the Wildlings) would have to kneel to Stannis. He sends Jon Snow to pitch the idea, and it doesn’t go over well. Manse decides he would rather be burnt alive than get down on his knee. I remember my freshman year.
Goals: have a squad that worships you the way Stannis’ does. If you want a drinking game, do a shot every time someone says “Stannis Baratheon, the one true King of Westeros.” Like we get it Davos, you have a giant fucking crush on him, but stop trying to make “one true King” happen. It’s never going to happen. Constantly repeating a title doesn’t make you become that thing. If it did, I would be Harry Styles’ girlfriend by now.
So Manse gets lit on fire, and is instantly like “the knees might have been a better call.” Before he can lose his last shreds of dignity and scream like a man who has been lit on fire, Jon mercy kills him with an arrow. That’s what a power play looks like, Stannis.
MVB (Most Valuable Betch) of the episode: Tyrion. He may be small in stature, but he is mighty in wine tolerance, and really, what else do you need?