The Best 2014 Golden Globes Recap You'll Ever Read

By The Head Pro

I really, really hate all instances of outright star-fuckery. I mean, not that I wouldn’t be a little shell-shocked if I were in a room with that many famous people, but further dick-sucking from society is the last thing celebrities need, let alone on television. The Golden Globes are an event where movie and television stars are “recognized” for their “achievements,” ignoring the fact that they’re already “recognized” for playing pretend for a living by getting paid millions of dollars and having the American populous firmly implanted in their assholes. Does Woody Allen need a little statue to know he’s been killing it for like 50 years? He probably doesn’t have room for it, what with all the stacks of cash and piles of dead prepubescent hookers he has lying around.

Anyway, I watched the Golden Globes last night. As Tina and Amy put it, “we’re gonna get this show done in 3 hours, or, as Martin Scorsese calls it, act 1.”

Here’s what happened:


(Since I, the Head Pro, know nothing about fashion, the Betches wrote the fashion commentary. Besides, there was still football on at this point and Giuliana Rancic scares the living shit out of me.)

Best Dressed: Lupita Nyong'o, Cate Blanchett, Naomi Watts, Kate Beckinsale, Amy Adams, Emilia Clarke


Don’t get us wrong Margot Robbie looked gorgeous, but I wasn’t dying over the dress. I guess good job bedazzling shit, Gucci?

Kerry Washington wins the award for most elegant pregnant bitch on the Red Carpet.

Worst Dressed: Everyone fucking else. Seriously, were they kidding? Where do I even begin?

Little did Jennifer Lawrence know but Dior was just using her to showcase their new collection of body bags to members of the gay mafia watching at home.

Drew Barrymore borrowed her dress from the set of Never Been Kissed.

Taylor Schilling looks like she overdressed for a trip to the mall.

Emma Watson may or may not have stolen that dress from like a really nice hospital.

I loved Zooey’s Oscar de la Renta crop top even though it wasn’t Tuesday but something about the skirt bothered me than season 2 of New Girl. 

Prabal Gurung designed Sandra Bullock and Zoe Saldana's dresses which makes us wonder, does he fucking hate them!? 


Oliva Wilde looked hot as fuck because, OLIVA WILDE, but she also looked like a hot as fuck Oz.

Paula Patton’s dress came with instructions: Add soap, water, and then rinse body.

Julia Roberts showed up for an interview in the wrong decade, seems to have forgotten her flare.

It looks like Ashton let Mila Kunis out of her cage for the event and gave her a dress made out of tinfoil.

Hayden Panettiere looked like a cross dressing greasy hobbit or what Danny Devito likes to call looking in the mirror.

(As usual, start bitching let us know your thoughts in the comments!)


I loved Tina and Amy as hosts last year, and they might have been even better this time around. They both looked pretty hot, and making Amy Poehler look hot is no small feat. Their opening monologue was hilarious and included throwing shade at ageless automaton Julia Louis Dreyfus for sitting in the movie section, calling Matt Damon a “garbage man,” and referring to Tom Hanks as “Tam Honks.” #TamHonks, I’m never letting that one die.

The best joke was about that movie “Gravity,” something to the effect of “Gravity’ is a movie that proves George Clooney would rather be launched into space and die than spend time with a woman his own age.” Sandra Bullock found this very funny, as did I. I worked at a bank right out of college, and this hot older lady was in charge of training me. We got along really well and there was some unspoken sexual tension between us, at least on my end. That’s what I like to imagine it would be like to hang out with Sandra Bullock. Me and Sandy, best pals who sometimes make out and touch each other over our clothes.

Speaking of JLD, she was smoking one of those e-cigarettes. I hate those fucking things, because when you really need a cig they just don’t cut it. I’m also surprised they showed her smoking, sorry, “vaping” [makes wanking motion] it on television. THINK OF THE CHILDREN, JULIA.

Does anyone else find the constant gushing over Kerry Washington’s beauty just a little bit condescending and maybe slightly racist? Like, sure, she’s a pretty good looking lady, but every time someone says “the BEAUTIFUL Kerry Washington is here,” it sounds like they’re saying “LOOK AT ME ACKNOWLEDGING THE BEAUTY OF A BLACK PERSON WHO HAPPENS TO CONFORM TO WHITE STANDARDS OF BEAUTY, I ALSO HAVE LOTS OF BLACK FRIENDS AND AM NOT AT ALL RACIST.”

The betches and I argued about this but I don’t really understand why Jennifer Lawrence wins, like, ALL of the awards. I’ve seen her act. She’s fine, I guess, but there’s nothing superlative about it. I’m also really starting to tire of her bullshit, not helped by the fact that the pixie cut thing doesn’t do her any favors. Also, her dress looks like it was made of toilet paper.

Taylor Swift, meanwhile, is still the Taylor Swift of Taylor Swifting (read: looking like a smug asshole who I’d probably still bang). I really wish Jennifer Lawrence had made good on her promise to push her down some stairs.

The I'm da captain now limo-driver-turned-actor guy tells me two things: One, he’d better hope they make a shit ton of pirate movies in the next couple of years, because I don’t see him playing much else. Two, the fact that someone can still be plucked out of obscurity like that in 2014 confirms that acting is kind of a joke, rendering this entire exercise in autofellation null and void.

The crazy began early when Jacqueline Bisset won the junior varsity version of the award for best supporting actress. It’s bad enough that her winning meant that I wouldn’t get to ogle Sofia Vergara’s juggs for 20 seconds or so, but after taking the remainder of the heatlife of the Earth to get to the podium, she launched into a bout of nonsensical babbling that lasted what felt like should have been the rest of the entire show. Like, calm the fuck down. You won a statue, not a seat on the first manned shuttle flight to Mars.

Gawker dutifully transcribed the entire insane episode here, because apparently they hate themselves even more than I do. I give Jacqueline bonus points, however, for sneaking a “shit” past the censors. I also imagine she now holds the record for the number of songs needed to play someone off the stage. Well done.

I’m now kind of wondering if I can use the instrumental music thing the next time my mother takes too long to get off the damned phone. She’s (usually) not as drunk as Jacqueline Bisset appears to be.

Elizabeth Moss looks hot, or at least as “hot” as Elizabeth Moss is capable of looking. It also looks like she dyed her hair a little too recently, judging by the discoloration on her scalp. Either that, or her flesh is dying and she needs to see a doctor STAT.

Jonah Hill and person-who-needs-to-stop-texting-me Margot Robbie introduced their nominated film, “The Wolf of Wall Street.” The teleprompter fucked up, so it looked like they might have to wing it. Margot said something to the effect of “Can we get cards? I’m new at this and don’t want to improvise.” O rly, Margot Robbie? You don’t want to improvise even though YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL GODDAMNED ACTRESS AND THAT IS YOUR JOB? Lose my number. Oh wait it was all just a long joke. I'll think about answering your text.


Just kidding, I couldn’t get through the first season of Breaking Bad. One of the betches had to make that joke for me. You can hate me now.

Kate Beckinsale is presenting the award for best original score along with Diddy and Usher, and boy does she look uncomfortable being near so many black folk. Probably because Diddy is all “and the golden globe goes to CIROC ULTRA PREMIUM VAHKA!” I think it’s funny that they always make a point to televise this award. Like, has anyone ever walked out of a movie and said “you know, the best part of that movie was the soft music I wasn’t paying attention to.”

The hipster with the clips who won said award looks like he forgot his tux and had to borrow a set piece from “Twelve Years a Slave” (the one with Brad Pitt!). Why do creative types always feel the need to signify their creativity by dressing like they’ve been diagnosed with a mental illness?

I’m glad to see U2 took the opportunity to get really sanctimonious and talk about how they totally knew Nelson Mandela before he was cool.

Bigggggg cock gobbling session for Woody Allen. Diane Keaton comes out in, what else, a fucking man’s suit. I know “Annie Hall” was a big deal for both her and the Woodmeister, but that movie came out almost 40 goddamned years ago and she’s still milking the whole “androgynous dress” thing to this day. She also (randomly) sang what I’m told is a Girl Scout song, which I’m interpreting as an allusion to Woody Allen’s propensity for fucking his (much) younger relatives.

Leonardo DiCaprio sounds like he’s got a big ‘ole lip of Skoal tucked in, and apparently banging every model that is, was or ever will be means you don’t have to pronounce people’s names correctly. But he really seemed to enjoy his intro joke, “Like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio."

Cate Blanchett is so drunk she’s not sure if people at home can hear the music. I’m so drunk at this point that I wonder the same thing as I sit, hearing the music, in my home.

Highlight of the night: Anne Hathaway was MIA, probably practicing drowning somewhere.




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