The Betches' Guide To Australia

By Is Vodka A Carb?

Australia might just be the betchiest continent out there—it’s exclusively located, ridiculously expensive, and not cold. Here’s a guide to making the most of your time down under:

When to Go: Although the always edumacated American often thinks of Australia as a tropical island, it’s actually the size of the US and its weather varies accordingly. Its location on the opposite hemisphere turns everything on its head: summer is November-February and the further north you go, the warmer it gets. There’s tanning weather in certain parts of Australia year round, so if you have to go in July stay near the Great Barrier Reef unless you want to like, pack a jacket. The best time to go is probably in October or March, where everywhere in the country has mild to warm weather. Or, for a betch who can handle the heat, jet off in the middle of December for a killer tan (possibly literally).

Where to Go:

It’s realistic and worthwhile to stick to the East Coast when touring Australia, because the rest of the country is pretty much a desert with one big rock in the middle of it.

Sydney: As Australia’s biggest city, it feels a bit concrete and often smells like rotten Pad Thai, but you gotta go anyways to get the Instagram in front of the Opera House and Harbour Bridge. Spend the rest of your time in Sydney following the rest of the tourists to Bondi to soak up Aussie beach culture, or escape the crowds by taking a ferry over to Manly and watch some hot surfers get ‘pitted’. Newtown and Surry Hills are chic neighbourhoods with good shopping, and the hottest clubs include the Ivy, Chinese Laundry and the Wharf Bar in Manly to catch some locals. Just fucking pregame that shit—drinks will cost you more than a poor person’s mortgage. You really only need two day’s in Sydney to get a feel for it, so spend extra time day tripping to the Blue Mountains, which is a weird mix between jungle and forest, or one of the nearby national parks and try to get a Snapchat of a kangaroo.

Byron Bay: the epitome of trustafarian, this hippie town is full of young people ‘finding themselves’ with a box of wine in hand. It’s a gorgeous chilled beach town that looks like it was literally designed by Free People. Here you’ll meet at least seven surf bums that you’d like to marry, have a regrettable night at Cheeky Monkeys, and likely call home to mom and say you’re never leaving. Byron Bay is everyone who’s under 30’s favourite place in Australia—and for good reason.

Gold Coast: There had to have been a board meeting a couple decades back where a bunch of Aussie’s sat around and said “lets build the Miami Beach of Australia.” Out popped Gold Coast, and it didn’t quite work. It’s full of beach skyscraper hotels and tacky clubs filled with anyone who isn’t actually Australian—but it’s still worthwhile to check out because it’s a good place to party for the weekend. Plus, it’s conveniently located to some of the best parts of Aus.

Brisbane: Just no.

Fraser Island: The world’s largest sand island. It’s unlike anything you’ve ever seen before—with Jurassic Park size trees and a freshwater lake in the middle of it that looks like its been photo-shopped four times over. A lot of young tourists camp on Fraser, see a dingo and feel really down to Earth. You should do that too.

The Whitsundays: The place of tropical island calendars. Literally fucking gorgeous. Green islands surrounded by turquoise water. There’s nothing to do there besides lay on the beach, find Nemo, and drink a lot so show up worn out and leave with 400 likes on your Instagram photo of Whitehaven Beach.

Cairns: This is the take-off zone to the Great Barrier Reef, and inevitably the place where every traveller ends up. You’re going to run into everyone you’ve ever hooked up with at Gilligan’s Island, a nightclub/hostel that even a betch would stay at. Expect to be puking the entire boat ride to the reef, and then expect to have bragging rights for the rest of your life that you dived into one of the Seven Wonders of the World.

If you get off the typical tourist track and go beyond NSW or Queensland, check out Melbourne for its best ever cappuccinos (its okay because you’re on vacation) and trendy nightlife, meet some real rough and rowdy Aussies in Perth, or for the brave betch, go shark diving in Adeline.

Other Import Shit to Know:

The Wildlife: Any betch should rightfully be concerned about the fucking wildlife in Australia—and by wildlife, I do mean spiders. The good news is the largest and most poisonous species are confined to Northern Queensland, along with the crocks and box jellies. Kangaroos don’t run quite as wild as you’d think, but most Aussies have stories of accidently hitting one with their car in high school, which can lead to that awkward do-I-laugh moment. You might spot a koala in a tree in Byron, in which you’ll for sure want to know what kind of drugs he is on. Likely though, you’re going to have to head to a zoo to see all the killer Aussie wildlife people talk about, which most definitely is a good thing.

The Aussie Male: Any betch who goes to Australia not hoping to pick up a local or two is lying. Aussie boys are pretty much all they’re hyped up to be, except also super immature and don’t pay for shit. Chock it up to cultural difference and hook up with them anyways. One word of caution: they’re uncircumcised.

The Food: The food in Australia is generally really fucking bad. Despite what you’d assume, they fry everything and outdid America as the fattest country in the world recently. They don’t even have iced coffee (and if it’s on the menu beware: it’s actually ice cream with espresso), but there coffee is unreal so allow yourself a latte or 20. Fresh food is hard to come by, but if you’re willing to drop 10 bucks on a container of strawberries, head over to Wollie’s and try your best to stay skinny.

Getting Fucked Up: The Australian Government has this weird policy where they think it’s best young people don’t black out and wreck havoc on their communities, so they tax the shit out of alcohol. Definitely get your vodka duty free when you land, and you may have to get accustomed to “goon”—Australian box wine with an impossibly high alcohol content—if you want to fit in with the locals. Drugs play hard to get in Australia—which seems a bit odd because everyone’s fucking on them. Aussies are all about “eating pingas”—a pill that’s supposed to be MDMA but could really be anything from heroin to herbs.

So betches, try to pretend you know how to surf, maybe actually wear sunscreen, and head to Australia—where the accents are (almost) as hot as you are.




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