The Betches' Guide To Cinco De Mayo

By The Betches

If there’s one thing that should never be underestimated, it’s a betch’s ability to turn any holiday into a drinking holiday. Whether it’s Saint Patrick’s day, 4th of July, or even our cousin’s baby shower, a betch will use it as a reason to show up and get fucking wasted. No day is this more apparent than May 5th, AKA Cinco de Drinko.

Here are a few tips to help you celebrate May 5th right:

Don’t be racist

Let’s just a minute to acknowledge that some people find white girls using Cinco de Mayo as an excuse to get white betch wasted to be, like, kind of racist. But honestly, betches of any race will use a culturally important holiday to get blackout wasted. It’s just in our DNA, like our inability to concentrate and love for fro yo. With that said, know that posing for a pic wearing a sombrero might be seen as “culturally insensitive.” Remember, college betches: nothing good comes from being in the sorority whose racist theme party makes national news.

Get wasted

This holiday is amazing because we love margaritas. Three margaritas deep and you won’t even care about how many calories you’re consuming or the inevitable sugar hangover you’re going to have the next day. Once you’re a few margs in, even if you swore to your bestie you would not do tequila shots, you most definitely will.They’ll probs make you gag and bring up flashbacks of vomming up cheap shots over SB. Ugghh….I miss PV!

Practice your Spanish

If you hadn’t brought a fear of tequila back from SB, you probably brought back some Spanish skills. This is the perfect time to practice them! Uno mas tequila por favor! You’re pretty much fluent.

Call in “sick” the next day

The fact you think you thought you would actually make it into work was a fucking joke. Lay back, text your besties about how shitty you feel, and vow never to drink tequila again.  It’s obviously a fucking lie, but so is the excuse about “having the flu” you tell your boss every year on May 6th.

So, betches, make sure you celebrate May 5th right. And remember, just because those chips and salsa are bottomless doesn’t mean you are. All that Mexican food will go strait to your ass. De Nada!




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