The Betches' Guide to Election Day

By The Betches

So today is Election Day and betches all across the nation are thinking seriously about possibly maybe voting. It’s no surprise that politics are not exactly at the forefront our minds given the chaotic year we’ve had. From Kim Kardashian moving on so quickly to Tan Mom’s pop culture debut, there’s barely enough time to talk shit about the Real Housewives of Miami let alone what’s going on in Washington D.C.

But like it or not, some political talk has been unavoidable in the past few months and we’ve picked up some bits and pieces of real election shit talking along the way.

First it was just our dads bitching about Obama’s tax codes (whatever the fuck that means) and we were all like, “I don’t wanna be poor, let’s vote Romney.” And then your Gay BFF reminded you that he might not allow gay marriage and you were all like “that’s totally fucked up. I love Modern Family!” And then that slut in your poli sci class said something in class that really stuck with you. Romney is against abortion. Then you thought back to all the guys you fucked on Spring Break and all throughout sophomore year and were like “hey that seems kind of fucked up too. Take my eyes but not my birth control!” but then you couldn’t tell your dad about that and you still don’t want to be poor(er) so you were torn.

Like Britney Spears, you were at a crossroads and the only thing you knew for sure in the depths of your heart was that you really didn’t give a shit either way. And then we neared Election Day, and people started talking about annoying things like “rocking the vote” and “taking action” and “the issues” and you were all like, “this shit is boring and unfairly taking away from Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds’ wedding spotlight.” But people continued to not shut the fuck up. Politically heated Facebook statuses popped up from the depths of the internet, they were making fun of the candidates on SNL, and even Hurricane Sandy couldn’t stop you from lightly pondering the issues. “Guns are really bad but sometimes they’re like, not that bad.” So you decided that was it. You were going to be seen among the American masses. Your voice would be heard by something bigger than you screaming in your boyfriend’s ear because he was late to pick you up for dinner.  You were placing your vote.

So you left your apartment to go vote and holy shit, the line at the gross public school building next door was like, around the block and you weren’t even sure if you would be allowed to bring your Starbucks into the voting booth. Things were getting stressful and you needed to make a decision. So you decided to do what you usually do when there’s a long line in front of a club. Cut it, obvi. But when you got to the front of the line you realized the bouncer was not an enormous black guy but some tiny, middle aged retired female math teacher who did not give a shit about how hot you looked in this season’s trendiest fall fashions. She reminded you that this is #63 America and you’d have to wait in line like everybody else. Shit, you thought. So you did one of two things.

1.  You waited in line, and voted.

2.  You got out of line, got a manicure and then went home and took a nap.

If you chose option two, you couldn’t help the feeling of guilt that overwhelmed you as your chill day was about to get much more stressful. Not voting, it seemed according to Facebook and Twitter, was akin to social suicide. Bros would mock you, your mom would be disappointed, and it would in no way affect the actual outcome of the presidential election unless you were from Ohio and like, who is? Still, you knew you had to do something. As much as you hated it, you were going to have to #129 make shit up. Fear not, we’re going to help you out on this one. When the discussion of voting inevitably comes up later today or tomorrow, here’s how to pretend you did if you didn’t.

1.   Say you voted, fucking duh.

2.   Stress the importance of voting. (It’s my duty as an American and an ardent fan of Kennedys!)

3.   Something about the importance of “the issues.”

4.   Host an Election Day party where you must keep drinking until the next president is announced. (it’s win-win for you since you didn’t vote)

5.   Change the subject of voting to which of Romney’s sons is the most – least fuckable.

6.   Pretend you voted for whatever candidate the person you’re talking to voted for in order to not get into shit. Political debates are so random.

7.  “Something, something, foreign policy.”

8.  Steal and instagram an “I voted” sticker with a filter that makes it look like it’s from the 70s.

So betches, we’re supposed to tell you that you should vote so go vote. If you’re looking for where it is you’re supposed to do it check out to make the process just a tiny bit less boring. And remember, vote or not, republican or democrat, at the end of the day we don’t give a shit and love you either way. Finally, make sure to write in “The Head Betches” on the bottom of the ballot for the sake of the future of this great nation.

Betches for president! America fuck yeah!





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