The Betches’ Guide to Etsy

By Sabrina the Teenage Betch

What does a betch love more than creative DIY crafts? Paying other people to make them and then getting lots of compliments on them, obvi. Cue Etsy, the online marketplace that allows you to purchase tons of unique items that you would never actually take the time to design yourself. This site has everything: a keychain featuring Ariana Grande getting smacked in the face by a VS Angel, a clock with no numbers because “Whatever I’m late anyways,” wine glasses that say “Bye Felicia,” and monogrammed literally whatever the fuck you want, for starters.

Many treasures await you on Etsy, but a betch must also be careful. A few wrong selections here and you’ll look like more of a tryhard hipster than Zooey Deschanel in a sundress. Here are our recommendations for how to shop chic on Etsy, and to avoid all the things that aren’t mass-produced for a reason.

Accessorize your life.

Etsy ~thrives~ in the accessories game, and there’s really no limit to what this site can embellish. Your electronic devices, your hair and your living room table can all benefit from what some freelance artist in Wisconsin has concocted for you.

Be mindful of your dignity when exploring the graphic tees.

Some of them are great, but I’d feel guilty if I didn’t explicitly state that no one should ever buy a shirt with the words “Last Clean Tee” or “I Love My Husband” on them. Gross.

Embrace your fandom.

It turns out that artsy people like a lot of the same shit as us. This means Etsy can be a great venue to buy memorabilia from some of our favorite cultural phenomena. “Boo, you whore,” for example, populates over 80 items. “Olivia Pope” populates almost twice that. (Note: This includes “I heart Huck” wine glasses which I find fucked up, offensive and great proof that not everything on this site is betch-approved.)

Fall in love with the Housewares section.

The signage >>> 

Don’t question your instincts.

You’re right, Pocket Mirrors, Animal Brooches and Tunics shouldn’t have their own section titles.

Don’t buy anything that you could find on clearance at Urban Outfitters.

You’re better than that, betch.




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