The Betches' Guide To Moving Out

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

At some point in a betch’s life and then usually once a year every year after that, she has to pack up her shit and move. Ugh.

Moving is a huge pain in the ass and no one will ever deny that. Unfortunately betches are still human and we have to deal with it just like everyone else. Read our tips to make it suck less:

Don’t: Pay for movers or a U-Haul.

Why would you pay for that when you can get your “guy friends” to move your shit for free? See below.

Do: Round up all the biggest, strongest guys who want to fuck you, especially the ones that own trucks.

Coerce--I mean, persuade--them to move your heaviest items. You can pay them back in pizza, beer, and/or your hot friends’ numbers.

Don’t: Wait to pack the night before.

The only other time you don’t want to be late, besides your period, is when you’re moving. If you wait until the night before to start putting your apartment in boxes (or manipulating someone else into doing it for you), you’re going to be up until like 6am. Trust me, I went to camp for like 10 years.

Do: Try to fit as much stuff in as possible.

Think of it like real-life Tetris, or some other analogy that makes this seem less lame, whatever works for you. Don’t be the fool with 150 random loose items. That’s just more stuff for you to lose on the way over.

Don’t: Be hungover.

Being hungover while you can't stay in your room all day because you’re relocating your entire room? That literally sounds like my personal Hell.

Do: Take full advantage of the fact that you’re moving.

“Moving” is basically a carte blanche to get out of shit like work, family obligations, deadlines, you name it. “Yeahhhh, I would pay my credit card bill, except I have to move today, soooo…”

Once you’ve done the minimal amount of work to ensure the hard part’s over, you can take all that energy you saved and put it towards planning a house warming pregame. Who said betches can’t apply themselves?




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