The Betches' Guide to Passive-Aggressive Text Punctuation

By The Betches

Texting has made betches pioneers of the written word. At this point we're basically like, the Oscar Wildes of 2014. We're writing thousands of words every day, and everybody loves it and thinks we're fucking hilarious. In this day-and-age betches only save phone calls for like, legit emergencies (aka calling your dad for money) because all the phone-ringing and small talk bullshit gives us anxiety. 

When sending a text, punctuation can be they key to making sure that your message comes across exactly as you intended. Here's a handy guide to punctuating your texts so that you can make sure that you never have to like, call someone to clarify.

The Period: While the period is like, super crucial for writing papers or emails or whatever, its use in text messages is pretty limited. Periods are used for one thing and one thing only: to indicate to someone that you're pissed off. Betches know that the difference between "k" and "k." is basically like the difference between the United States and Sudan. Do not use the period lightly. If you use it too much the bro you're hooking up with won't realize that when you texted him "cool." after he told you he couldn't come over because he had to study that you meant it was totally not cool and you're pissed. And every betch knows how awkward it is when you accidentally add a period at the end of a sentence because you pressed the space bar twice. Ugh it totally seems like I care now.

The Exclamation Point: The exclamation point is TTH of the punctuation world. It pops up in weird places, gets all in your face, and makes everything sound stupid and annoying. That being said, it does have to be used sometimes. Use the exclamation point if you're trying to be fake-nice to someone ("omg so good seeing u too!!!! also do you know where I left my phone???"), trying to fake-apologize for something ("I am legit so sorry about your coffee table lemme know if you want my dad to pay for it!"), or are actually expressing something so exciting that you are like, dying and only an exclamation point can capture the feeling. ("Not pregnant!!!!!!!")

The Question Mark: Question marks are extremely chill, especially since betches usually have lots of questions like, "wtf???," and "is this real life?," and "is he serious????" that need to be answered immediately. Question marks are clutch because even if you find yourself in a situation where you are so baffled by the world around you that there isn't even an emoji to capture it, you can always text "?" to your bestie and feel confident that you've expressed yourself.

The Semi-Colon: The semi-colon has no place in text messaging. We're not sure that it has a place anywhere because we're not 100% on how to use them tbh.

Special circumstance: The Lengthy, "I'm super pissed at you" Text. When you find yourself in a situation where you're really laying someone out in a text, all normal texting rules go out the window and you should actually like, punctuate the text semi-properly. It just looks better and makes it a lot easier for you to show whatever bro is pissing you off that he sucks and you're like, a genius.




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