March 13, 2014
Some bro a long time ago invented the pickup line as a way for dudes to try to be funny in the hopes of getting girls. Obv not all pickup lines are created equal so we’re going to help you out by giving you a quick run-down of the best and worst types of lines to use if you're a bro and you ever want a betch to text you back the next day…you know, like 3 hours after you send the initial text.
First a preliminary tip... if you’re going to break out the bad puns it’s all about confidence and commitment so make sure you’ve got those things locked down. “Hey, um, are you wearing space pants? Cause, uh, your ass is…ah, never mind” isn’t going to work on anyone.
Worst: Starting off with “Hey girl,” or “Hey baby…” we already touched on this but please recognize that no one actually talks like this if they want to be taken seriously. Calling a complete stranger “baby” is a surefire way to earn yourself a one-way ticket to Creeperville with no one to keep you company but your left hand.
Worst: “If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?”, “If I flip a coin, what’s my chance of getting head?”, etc. If I wanted to go to a bar or club to be objectified by men, I’d …oh wait, just be a woman in today’s society, so, check. Odds are if you try anything perverted or sexual you’re going to get a drink poured on you faster than you can say “Lighten up, it was only a joke!”
Worst: “Did it hurt? When you fell down from heaven?”; “Are you from Jamaica? Cause Jamaican me crazy!”; or anything else that clearly came from the internet/your dad’s repertoire of “surefire pickup lines.” I’ve def heard those before and no I’m not impressed that you know how to Google “how to talk to girls.”
Could Work: “Are you a beaver? Cause dammnnnnn!” Prob the only pickup line that didn’t make me immediately roll my eyes, run for the door, or gag. Much like Rebecca Blacks’ “Friday,” it was so bad that I just couldn’t help laughing—whether it was with the guy or at him, he’ll never know. This is the key: all pickup lines are bad so much like your drinking philosophy, if you’re going for it you might as well go big or go home. This strategy is best for the FFB who is funny and can pull off the “so bad it’s actually good” look.
Not Bad: “I noticed you noticing me, so I just want to put you on notice that I noticed you too.” This one would work if you’re the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. If you’re not Will Smith circa 1996, the other upside is that the betch you use it on will be so confused it’ll be easy for you to make a quick getaway.
Best: “What are you drinking?” / “Can I buy you a drink?” There’s a reason bars have continued to serve as humankind’s proverbial watering hole for centuries…or whenever bars were invented. Let’s be real, no betch in history has ever said no to a free drink except for maybe like Susan B. Anthony. I can’t guarantee I’ll talk to you longer than it takes the bartender to make the vodka soda and set it in front of me, though, so you have approximately 37 seconds to make a great impression.
As you can see, pickup lines are as iffy as the jungle juice at frat parties. Remember that the best way to a betch’s heart is to talk to her like she’s an actual person and not a 7-year-old on the receiving end of a knock-knock joke. If we wanted to hear corny jokes all night, we’d have stayed home with our dads, so maybe if you’re not going to buy me a drink, you can always ask me my name and then remember it.