The Betches' Guide To Rallying

By Jane Duh

A betch's only allegiances are to herself and partying. That being said, betches also know that their bodies and alcohol are major frenemies, and while they're really good at pretending to like each other most of time, sometimes they're going to fight and are going to expect you to take sides. So here's our guide to those nights when you have to be the mediator between your body and your BAC.

1. You might have to like, actually drink some water

While ordering a glass of water at the bar is a fucking embarrassment to betchdom, puking or like, straight-up dying on the dance floor is way worse and would probably make it really awk for your friends to go to that bar ever again. With that in mind, when you start to feel like you're about to go from "life of the party" to "girl sitting on the corner with her head between her legs while her friends clap in her face to make sure she's still awake," it might be best to do a pre-blackout water run. Luckily, if you time your hydration properly it'll only have to be a short break before you can go back to guzzling shots and casually trying to get the bar tender to give them to you for free. Turn down for what?

2. Take a #170 nap

Napping is like fucking: it doesn't always have to happen in a bed. Once you're at the point where your words are slurring so hard nobody knows what the fuck you're saying, it might be time to take a break from conscious thought. The good thing about drunk sleeping is that you can literally do it anywhere. The VIP booth at the bar, the bathroom, and the floor are all fair game. A drunk betch's ability to fall asleep anywhere is not only compelling proof of evolution, but is also super useful for when your crippling FOMO is preventing you from being the first person to leave the bar. Just let your besties know you're about the catch some z's and tell them not to wake you until Drunk in Love comes on.

3. Secret Vom Sesh

You know that one time where you ate some shady sushi and then felt like shit until you finally vommed? Well, the same principle works with alcohol. Sometimes you need to just get it out of your body. It's like setting the reset button on your alcoholism. Unfortunately, vomming is fucking disgusting and everybody looks terrible while doing it. Seriously, we all have a hard enough time trying to be pretty criers, am I really gonna have to worry about being a pretty puker too? That's why all drunken betch vomiting should best take place in private. If the bathroom has too much traffic, grab a bestie (in case you choke or whatever) and try to find a secluded trashcan or some dud's tacky giant purse (you're doing her a favor) and take the time you need. Just look at it as cleanse but instead of three days of water shits, you're getting it all out in one giant disgusting liquid extravaganza.

Also, hey, maybe take some time to reflect because you're a fucking mess.




Powered by Disqus




Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login