February 18, 2014
The food insta. We’ve all done it, and we’ve all #1 talked shit about other betches doing it. Omg Carly just instaed sushi for the THIRD time this week, does she think anyone fucking cares how high def her spicy tuna roll is???
Every betch has experienced that moment at the #51 group dinner when the food arrives and the entire table is silent while every betch takes a pic of her sushi from twelve different angles. If you and your #69 besties go out to dinner and at least three of you don’t insta it, did it really happen?
The goal of the food insta is not to show everyone how artistic you are. You already accomplished that with your abroad landscape shots. The food insta is all about convincing all your followers that you eat whatever the fuck you want and are still, like, ano skinny. Look at me, insta world! I ate this entire smores pie and I'm still a size 0 (as you can see by scrolling one inch down my instagram to my spring break tbt)! I’d like to see an insta of the portion of that you actually ate, betch.
Betches love ironically hashtagging #fat just to remind everyone that they’re so skinny they can fucking joke about being fat. LOL, is butter a carb? #eeeeeats could be translated to I would never fucking eeeeeat this. We all know you only ordered that frozen hot chocolate so you could take a perspective shot of it in lo-fi.
The secondary objective of the food insta is to show off how rich and trendy you are. There is literally no point to buying an expensive meal you are going to take three bites of and photograph if you don’t geotag somewhere with at least a three week wait. Yeah I’ve been to Tao three times in two weeks, it’s like whatever. An instagram of your caviar toast tells the world you can afford a three digit meal on a random Tuesday. 24 karat gold flaked sundae? That shit is getting over 100 likes.
There are a few food instagrams that are a staple of every betch’s profile. I literally cannot count the amount of Momofuku birthday cake truffles I have seen on my feed, which is funny considering I can count on one hand the amount of betches I’ve seen eat a Momofuku birthday cake truffle. These high profile instas come with special rules of their own. Instagram a three pack of Laduree? Might as well admit you’re povo, no betch has ever bought less than a box of six. Another classic is the ice cream cone in focus in front of a blurred out summer background #summerfood #yum #thismeltedwhileiwaschoosingafilter. And don’t forget to insta the customized box of Sprinkles your bestie sent you for your bday before you let your housekeeper take it home to her kids.
So betches, keep posting your food instas and don’t be embarrassed to stand up in the middle of a restaurant to get the best bird’s eye view angle on your sushi. Besides, if you’re spending the entire meal editing pics of your food, you won’t have any time to eat it! Now that’s what we call winning.