April 15, 2014
Betches have loads of people lining up to be their friends both in real life and on Facebook. Unfortunately for the latter, if you add someone on Facebook and then realize they suck, you can’t just shadily “forget” to invite them to pregames until they take a hint. When you get the notification that yet another person has friended you, think long and hard before you hit that ‘accept’ button because once you friend someone on FB, you can’t unfriend them without looking petty, or worse, like you actually care. It’s kind of like marriage in that way. Don’t go giving up that confirm click to anyone who comes knocking on your inbox; that’s just slutty and irresponsible.
That said, everyone reaches a point where they have to do the (un)thinkable and unfriend. But even though FB says they never notify who you unfriend, they’re obv going to find out when they go to stalk you sometime in the near future and notice that they can no longer see your eggs benedict and iced coffee muploads. Don't just unfriend on a whim because just like when you blackout hook up with a townie, you can't go back from that shit. Make sure you’re doing it the right way, and not like one of these fools below.
Fool #1 The Ritual Cleanser: This is the person who, every six months on the dot like clockwork more regular than your body’s own natural monthly clockwork, posts statuses like “Guys, cleaning out my Facebook friends. If you’re important to me you have nothing to worry about. If you don’t make the cut, it’s nothing personal. Message me if you want to talk about it.” First of all, nobody cares that you’re “cleaning out the closet,” Eminem. Second of all, no one’s going to beg you to get back into your good Facebook graces. Your cries for attention are more apparent than Justin Bieber’s lack of adequate role models (roasted?).
Fool #2 The Psycho Ex: Clearly you accepted her before our article came out, otherwise you’re just fucking dumb. Now you’re faced with the fact that some crazy literally knows where you are and what you’re doing at all times and you didn’t even really want her to in the first place. Ugh. To unfriend or not to unfriend? Luckily for you, the second she finds out you and her ex are done, she’ll un-friend you since she no longer sees you as a threat—total rookie move on her part, but that's for another time. Even though you were totally thinking of it, she pulled the trigger first (thanks boo!) so take comfort in the fact that she’s marginally more petty than you and thus is still the reigning champion of the title, “Psycho Ex.”
Fool #3 Your Psycho Ex: Your ex unfriending you is such a power move and beyond childish. I get that you’re upset and all but like, I just want to be able to continue to look through those Formal 2013 pics because I looked super skinny and tan. The least you could’ve done was let me save them to my computer before you took away the one thing I loved. Or just hide me from your feed like any normal person would do. If your mom can still be my Facebook friend without acting like a little bitch about it, you can too.
Fool #4 The Roomie / Bestie You’re Fighting With: The upside is now you no longer have to hide her from seeing your passive aggressive statuses re: the fight, but if any of your friends are on her side they’re going to tell her about them anyway. Adding her back right away is only going to give her satisfaction and a weird power trip as she obviously denies you. Just wait until the fight blows over and she comes crawling back into your friend requests.
Fool #5 The “LOL My Bad I Deactivated FB for a Minute and We Must Have Gotten Unfriended Somehow”: Wow, are you 16? This is almost as bad as the “sorry my friend stole my phone” lie. Do you know how hard it is to get a job at Facebook? Do you think they would actually put an algorithm or whatever in there that would randomly “drop” people’s friends? Nope. Doesn’t happen. I don’t know why you were mad at me and frankly IDGAF, but I might pity re-add you if I’m in a good mood or like, if I’ve had my iced coffee by the time I see this.
The Only Sane One, The Betch: The betch unfriends you because you’re being fucking annoying and blocking you from her feed isn’t enough. Maybe you met her at a bar once and now you keep liking on all her shit or poking her (seriously, who the fuck does that anymore? Cut that shit out), maybe you invite her to random club events constantly even though you live in a different state and/or country, maybe you just had a baby, maybe you use the hashtags #ilovemyjob or #icantwaittomarrythisman. It doesn't matter why and you'll never know the real reason. The betch will unfriend you because she feels like it, and she will not give a single fuck if and when you find out. In fact, she’s probably forgotten about it already.
What it really comes down to is if you’re un-friending someone with the secret hope that they’ll notice, you’re doing it wrong. TBH if you look hard enough, anyone can find your profile so our advice is to just make friends with your privacy settings, and be more selective in the first place. After all, exclusivity is what Facebook was founded on…although…maybe not so much anymore, but you get the idea.