The Betches' Guide To Yom Kippur Fasting

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Yom Kippur is quickly approaching for all the JABs out there (otherwise known as Yam Kipper for all the non-JABs) you finally have an excuse to not eat all day without anyone giving you shit for not eating all day. Which is not actually as great as it sounds.

In reality fasting is a pain in the ass because once you know you’re not allowed to eat for about 24 hours, naturally the only thing you want to do is eat. However, the one upside is that fasting gives us something to complain about nonstop from sun down to sun up down again.

In case you’re new at fasting—like if you just had your bat mitzvah or something—read our advice on how to make sure your Yom Kippur isn’t literally the worst.

Do: Load up on carbs right beforehand. You know how like runners eat a huge pasta dinner right before a marathon? Well you’ll be doing a marathon of complaining the following day so it’s basically the same thing. Gotta keep that energy up.

Don’t: Do a juice cleanse right before. God Karen, you're so stupid.

Do: Take a lot of naps. When you’re asleep, you can’t agonize over how hungry you are. Just try not to drool all over your pillow.

Don’t: Try to exercise. Don’t be a hero.

Do: Drink a lot of water. Every time you get super hungry, just chug a bunch of water until you feel like your stomach’s about to burst or you’re going to pee on the spot. Your Rabbi might tell you that technically you’re not supposed to eat OR drink anything, but that's for like, really serious people.

Don’t: Go on Instagram. The only thing that’d be worse than scrolling through food porn would be, like, taking a bath in chocolate pudding. You should probably not post anything either, I mean what would you do, post pics of empty plates? Oh shit, I’m sure someone out there thought that was a good idea. I’ll be praying for our nation’s youth this Yom Kippur. #NoNewFoods

Do: Live-tweet your fast. Your pain and suffering need to be documented for posterity, and the world so totally cares that you took one day off of eating while there are children starving in India.

Try Not To: Pass out. If you’re like me, you’ll break your glasses and look like a huge fool in front of that future doctor/lawyer you’ve got your eye on. But at least all it takes is one fainting spell and you get a “Get out of Fasting Free Card” for pretty much the rest of your life.

Easy fasting, betches!




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