March 18, 2014
Senior betches, graduation is quickly approaching which means your days of Facebook stalking in class and inappropriate/ironic hangovers (like being hungover while taking a Drugs & Behavior test on the effects of drugs and alcohol on the brain) are coming to a close. Don’t let these precious final days pass you by while you’re stuck in a haze of finals and thesis shit. No betch ever said, “Damn I wish I studied more in college,” as long as you like graduate and everything it’s all good. Here’s some of our personal recs to make your last few months in college the most memorable.
On the quad, at the pool, in class, during your final presentation, whatever. You might as well finally get some use out of the “eco-friendly” stainless steel water bottle they gave you during orientation that’s been sitting somewhere under your bed for the past three and a half years. Some people would call that a drinking problem but everyone knows it’s only alcoholism once you graduate.
Obv betches can have their pick of guys but there’s always that one who for whatever reason has eluded you: like maybe he came into college in a relationship or you guys are “friends” (lol) or he was a punk, you did ballet, and all of your friends stuck up their nose ‘cause they had a problem with his baggy clothes. If there was ever a time to just be like “fuck it,” (no pun intended…ok maybe it was sort of intended) it’s now.
Really you should be doing this anyway but consider this your friendly reminder that if you’ve made it this far and you still have your shit together and are not failing, you can basically get away with whatever the fuck you want. Once you walk across that stage and are handed that rolled up piece of paper meant to look like your actual diploma, it’s no longer okay for you to do shit like blackout on a Tuesday and spend half of Wednesday morning hogging the office bathroom while you puke your brains out.
No doubt you long for the good old days when your future plans were as remote a possibility as fetch ever happening. Now you can’t even go to the fucking dentist without getting harassed with 21 questions about what you’re doing with your life. Since stabbing annoying people isn’t legal (yet), you need to come up with a better way to get your extended family and random strangers off your back. When you get asked the dreaded, “so what are you going to do with your life?” we suggest changing the topic, i.e., “IDK, what are you going to do with those fading highlights?”, walking away, or just making shit up, like “I’m looking to apply to be Kevin Spacey’s unpaid intern.
Do lines in front of the statue of your university’s founder, or better yet, do lines off the statue of the founder. Nothing says college like violating a stone slab carved into the shape of some 18th-century guy. Just don’t mupload those pics to Facebook cause, you know, jobs.
You’ve made it this far subsisting off of Whole Foods and like, big gusts of wind, but maybe just try the campus food once. If it doesn’t make you empty your stomach of all its previous contents (thank you, food poisoning), it’ll at least make you grateful for what you have, just like when you took that service trip to Africa junior year of high school.
Once you’re in the real world you actually have to start paying for shit, and elbowing people violently in a crowd so you can catch a free T-shirt will likely result in an assault charge. So get it while you can, that bottle opener from the college helpline is sure to come in handy one day and you can never have too many shitty plastic sunglasses.
Obv you’re going to be sad once you graduate but anybody who says college is the four best years of your life is clearly lame and balding now. College is great don't get us wrong but the real world, at least the first few years after college, is basically most of the raging you’re used to, minus the homework, plus a disposable income.