The Betchiest Housewife of Beverly Hills: Episode 14

By The Betches

Ugh RHOBH. It's like whatever. The thing that depresses me so much about this show is that I used to genuinely look forward to it and the words 'tea party' or 'white party' didn't totally fill me with dread. But now these women are so overexposed and uptight that they can't even sleep till 3pm without getting slapped with a cease and desist letter. It's tragic. 

But onto the actual episode. First we had Kim's nose's coming out party. Aside from this being a ridiculous idea I can't believe she would let them film her in that cast but refuse to show up to half the other filmings, implying that Kim is less embarrassed to be seen with this cast on her face than be seen on a regular day. Then of course Kyle had to outdo Kim's party with her annual white party, a theme idea she no doubt stole from past parties for Kim's nose.

So anyway we decided to stop assigning points to these bitches because we're done rewarding their tacky scripted behavior. By now they all suck and it's merely a question of who sucks most. Plus at this point it's the husbands who are doing all the fighting for their wives anyway, and even the divorcees get people to speak on their behalf. Like Kim has Milton, Brandi has that tall black woman to summon Adrienne to fight with her. How racist. I was practically waiting for Adrienne to be like, this is my husband, you don't have a husband.

Finally Bravo, did you really have to burn down Lisa's old house just for the ratings? That's low, even for you. Some people lost all their belongings and now Cher is going to have to donate her skis all over again.


"Life is a journey and my old nose got stopped at customs"

You're inviting people to show them what your nose looks like before you go into the intimate setting for 15 people plus the entire nation.

"Tonight is not just about the very special nose that my doctor has made for me, it's also about the first night that I'm not the drunk fuck up who didn't show up. Tonight that award goes to Taylor."

"I'm really happy to have you all in my special space" ...That's what she said.


"I've worked too long for this zip code to not fuck random old rich guys for money to stay here."

Taylor is obviously wasted and does not give a shit about where Kennedy is. Cannot wait for Kennedy to become a stripping meth head. Hopefully with her own TLC series.

"Yeah so like I went on this guy's plane and finally got fucked and who the fuck knows where my daughter was but like, he OPENED THE DOOR FOR ME KIM. OPENED. THE. DOOR."


"Know your friends, burn your enemies alive."

Oh is your husband a plastic surgeon Adrienne? Would he have done "just as good a job"? Tell me more.

What could be more important than getting in the car with your kids to escape the fire? Paul sticking around to mupload. Adrienne was probably like negotiating with Bravo how much money she could get for each of her kids who suffered first degree burns.

"It's hard to hug in white." Yes it is after you've bathed in a cesspool of Australian Gold.

Paul: What're you doing here Dwight? Why don't you buzz off!


"I'm born and raised in Beverly Hills and you fuck with my white party, you fuck with me."

Glen's back yayyy you go Glen Coco.

Kyle is shocked to realize that she's become Taylor's makeshift nanny. Sort of like Shoshanna finding out she's housing a homeless man.

"I'm not going to stop doing my white party just because one of my friends is always suing my other friends. I mean if I did that there'd be no parties. "


"Life isn't all diamonds and rose and I still haven't done anything this season like, at all."

Way to call out Adrienne for her spray tan imprints and Kyle for buying her shoes on sale. Two really classy ways to call people poor.

Ken to Adrienne: "That made your shoe." Zing.


"Money doesn't give you class, my class on pole-dancing does."

Legal papers in the Chanel. Who is she, Matilda? Just a second, I have the adoption papers, I've had them since I was big enough to xerox!




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