The Betchiest Housewife of Beverly Hills

By The Betches

Season 2, Episode 15: What Happens in Vegas...does not stay in Vegas when you're on a reality show

So this week was comically the Battle of the shit talking Vacas, and as much as we loved watching Team Planet Hollywood beat the shit out of Team Palms, we were still kind of bored and seeing those hotel suites made us want to watch The Hangover instead.

We hate the episodes when they just show them gallivanting around spending money, like they did for a lot of this one. If we wanted to watch that we'd hire a crew to film ourselves. There needs to be more drama, and Kim needs to be on the show more frequently. That woman is a regular rain man.

We loved watching Taylor and Lisa go on a vaca together under the pretense that "Pandora invited Taylor to her bachelorette party." When did Pandora become synonymous with Bravo TV?


chippendalesFuck you, Palms


All we know is that the lap dance competition said a lot about our cast members. While we can't understand how Pandora landed such a hottie, we totally see why Taylor was with a major shithead, and we still don't believe Lisa only has sex twice a year.



"Life in Beverly Hills is a game, I'm no longer a Chippendales virgin" 11 points +1: It's actually kind of cute how you're being nice to Taylor because she actually does need it. Ok sentimental moment over. +3: When Pandora was like "mom are you gonna cry, you've never seen me in a wedding dress!" Lisa was totally not having it. Her response was basically "shut the fuck up, can't you see I have errands to run and you're trying to fucking reenact Bridesmaids over here. Actually you're right, I'm about to start crying because I have to finally tell you that it's officially time for you to start your wedding diet." No points but: Chill with the diamonds Pandora, this is a wedding dress, not an African diamond mine. -1: “At least pretend to be interested Giggy.” - He’s not interested bc it's not about him, duh. +3: We love the male objectification of the Chippendale’s show…we know where we’re going on our next Vegas trip. +2: To Taylor, "Haven’t you ever seen a grown man naked?" - Yeah but never one who's not yelling and calling her fat. +3: Way to make Pandy's bach party all about #1. We get you love attention but why couldn't Pandora wear a slutty dress instead of finding one from the Macys senior citizens' section. Pands looked like she was straight from an ep of Little House on the Prairie, you know the episode when a bunch of naked male strippers crashed the prairie party.




"I may not be the richest girl in Beverly Hills but my dog has a refined palate for cheese" 6 points -1: Kim is clearly trying to avoid being on this show. Kyle should stop being such a fame whore and dragging her out of shoe stores to whore her out on camera. +2: “When they asked me to do this book I thought it would be a great opportunity share my passions like nail polish and talking shit about my friends." ...Seriously though, what's the the title going to be? Living in an Adobe in Beverly Hills? +2: You say we need a lot of mezzuzahs in the house and suddenly Moses shows up. Where's the white party being held this year? Temple Beth Israel? +3: You actually counted Taylor's drinks? What kind of friend counts their friends drinks? Well, actually, if it's in the name of shit talking, we guess it's ok.




"I may have everything, but no real sense of when a belt goes with an outfit" 5 point +3: Adrienne channeling her inner Ja'mie King “I think they wanted to show a power couple and like no offense, but I think they wanted someone who was pretty decent looking.” +2: “I wouldn’t necessarily say that I’m more successful than Paul, but I’m definitely more successful than his mistresses”




"People try to figure me out but I really need some help, and maybe a new manicurist" -2 point +1: We like actually felt sad for Kimmy. Our appetites would be suppressed too if we were waking up next to Ken. -3: You need some serious coaching on how to physically be on the phone. Lesson 1: when someone calls you to say they wished you were there, don't start with the whole I'm moving and I pulled my neck and I cant move left or right. We know you're too drug addled to remember, but you said that last week.



lisa and pandoraAright, enough, I'm leaving




"Nips McGee Glandville" -3 point -2: Sup with your nips? And why can't you just wear fucking flats with your boot. You're a gigantor anyway, no one gives a shit if you wear one high heel. Now you're just a gimping gigantor with hard nipples. -1: What is that weird glove thing Brandi is wearing? This isn’t the banger sisters, bitch.




"Diamonds aren't a girls best friend, but Brandi might be a little more than that soon" -5 points -2: Jesus Camille, give Kim a break. You’re giving a recovering alcoholic shit for not coming to Vegas? With friends like these, no wonder she’s back in rehab. -3: Please don't start your sad lonely divorcée party by becoming a lez with Brandi.




"I've finally found my voice but I apparently have no idea what a penis looks like" -7 points -2: "I felt so betrayed and blindsided" ...This is the biggest let down since my husband punched me in the face last month. -1: If you're going to fill in your eyebrows choose a color that matches your hair, Frida. -1: Who says "off the chain"? Didn't know Flava Flav was cast as a housewife of bev hills. -3: So like, you def have never had good sex with Russell ew Armstrong. Oh God, an imagined-image of Russell's flaccid penis is forever burned on my brain.




"STFU" -102 points -100: Your million dollar lollipop holder makes us embarrassed to belong to the same species. -2: “Being in Vegas with Adrienne is like hanging out with someone who has actual money. “


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