January 3, 2012
Season 2 episode 17: Brandi Makes Ken Randy
So we're back again, still living in the white party era which has managed to outlast both Christmas and New Year's. Kyle's crying, the mariachi band's playing, and Taylor's still wearing earrings the size of one of the islands in Maldives. The housewives never fail to provide us with nauseating footage that results in an hour of intermittent word vomiting that they like to call entertainment! And hey what do you know, I didn't know my foot could be so famous. Did you see it? Kim was making out with it on the dance floor.
Seriously, eating week-old Chinese food sounds more appetizing than having to kiss Ken after he dipped into some Skoal mid white party. The way you put tobacco in your mouth really makes me want to give you head. Let me pop all 15 of my pills first.
The biggest thing that happened in this episode was that Taylor realized she's in a toxic marriage after her therapist so astutely pointed out that Russell didn't say I love you after they got kicked out of the party. Sure, you can beat me for missing a spot shining your shoes, but neglect to comfort me after we get kicked out of the white party....THE BIGGEST PARTY OF THE YEAR...IN KYLE'S BACKYARD...WHERE THEY SERVE FAT BURGER!?! This marriage is dunzo.
It's no surprise who won this week, she was killing it the entire episode with quotes that only the wittiest of Brits could pull off. Even when her husband was drooling over Brandi's fucking insane body, she was able to make light of the situation. Lisa, you're an inspiration to us all.
Lisa: "Life in Beverly Hills is a game and I'm..... the winner" 4 points -1: Was that a robe or a fur coat? Regardless, lingerie and outerwear are supposed to make you look as thin as possible not like a fucking retarded eskimo. +1: "Cedric wants to be a life coach more like a life roach" +1: Camille goes "I like 8 inches of freedom" .....and Lisa goes "that's all!?" +1: "Brandi is out of control I think the gas tank in her head is running on empty" +1: " Bloody hell, I'm gonna have to put out tonight" +1: "That is not a bikini, it's butt floss"
Brandi: "I'm the community mattress" 3 points -2: So Brandi actually hooksed with Camille back in Vegas. Not surprised, she was palming her boob like she was doing a fucking breast exam. +3: DID ANYONE notice Brandi's garter with a flask attached? I mean if that's not the way to fly, idk what is. +1: She's seriously so fucked up but at least she admitted she took a Xanax. It's one thing to take a Xanax to fly, it's another to take it to ...pack your house, or go to your sister's consignment store. +2: "I was so afraid to fly that I used to roofie myself. It was awesome. I wish I could still do that but it's against the law" -1: We wouldn't be surprised if Brandi woke up on the beach with her organs on sale on the Hawaiian black market the way she's drugging herself and getting herself on Lisa's WYDEL.
Kim: "People try to figure me out, like the employees at Delta and AA, I'm surprised they still let me fly" 0 points +1: Kim has serious problems with getting to planes on time. Throwback: "I really love the planes over there" -4: Kim says that everyone has their own taste in men, and that Mauricio isn't the hottest guy on the block. Ok, Ken is the shit that comes out of Mauricio's ass. Too harsh? Fine, but saying he even looks like his ass is being generous. +5: Lying about getting your license fixed, and then telling Kyle about it later. -2: We've had enough of the blouse you wear in your interviews. It looks like you threw my grandma's ugly curtains around you neck in a failed effort to strangle yourself.
Taylor: "I've finally found my voice, and a good therapist" 0 points -2: I think Taylor's lips are folding over themselves. My lipgloss is poppin' my restylane is clumpin' +2: I'm angry that Russell beats me up but more importantly, I'm angry that I can't go to Hawaii with my besties, so I'm gonna get a divorce.
Camille: "Diamonds aren't a girls best friend, good genes are" -1 point -1: We're pos they all got fresh Botox right before the trip. A little too much in your lips Cami baby? They look as bumpy as Kim's face.
Kyle: "I may not be the richest girl in Beverly Hills and I still don't know why I'm calling myself a girl, I'm like 50" -2 points -2: Mauricio's travel attire is something a fucking guido would wear when he's going to see Tiesto. -2: "I'm not angry with Taylor at all ...for calling Lisa and not me" +2: "My husband's the worst. He got me the shittiest private plane for his birthday. Worst day ever."
Adrienne: "Having it all isn't easy, but I have it all, and I seem to know how to keep my shit together. Why can't anyone else?" -3 points -3: Haha sorry Brandi, your statement is wrong ...my brother's not a douchebag and he has a fucking huge dick. Ew Adri, over share. -1: Yeah Paul it's just you, Adrienne, and the Palms Palace product placement visor all vaca long. How romantic. +1: Points for leading the crowd in laughing at Kim for being a joke. Baby's first shit talking sesh!
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing