The Betchiest Housewife of Beverly Hills

By The Betches

Season 2 Episode 5: "$25,000 Sunglasses?!"

Who was the betchiest housewife of Beverly Hills last night? Watch What Happens Live after we make fun of them:



"Life in Beverly Hills is a game, and I'm better than everyone on this show" 35 points


+15: For living in a fantasy land as like, a Disney character if a betchy one existed. That whole thing last week with "Princess Lisa" and "Oh, it's not a castle! It's a house!" Pure gold. Ken, can you get the dogs ready for our holiday, I just simply don't have the time today to feed them from our Baccarat stemware AND have lunch with the Duchess of York AND go to the wine tasting for that 300 year old Sauv AND magically transform these roses into a giant heart attached to my Louboutin-shaped hedges +10: CNN was desperate. +4: That Dr. Drew Twitter/penis innuendo. Lisa, we're definitely going to buy your book and consider reading it. +2: For being on Bernie's WYDEL. +2: Indirect points for Ken's "isn't Dana the chubby one?" +2: OMG, instead of hiring a hair stylist, can we just adopt one?


lisa vanderpumpGiggy Royale




"I may not be the richest girl in Beverly Hills, but my husband's hotter than all of yours and I'm funny and cool enough to pull off being a little less rich than Adrienne and Lisa" 13 points


+3: Battle of Babies with fat new girl - "I'm doing encyclopedia training now" vs "Yeah when I had my baby she walked right out...she has a black belt now...she's going to college soon" +5: For consistently having the best husband ugh we die +1: "You don't whip out your penis at a party and pee on the grass!" - That's how you know Kyle didn't go to college. +3: "Can you make sure Taylor ate something?" - ...Can you? +1: Suri Cruise Portia



"Having it all is easy, if you have a trust fund and like to play CEO" - 1 point


+2: Lifeguards? What, are you going to pass out child-safe bbq pamphlets during lunch? -1: Can you please talk more shit!?!?



"People try to figure me out, but they can't because I need to go to rehab first" 0 points


-1: Huh? Kim skipped college so she missed the class where they teach you to put spaces between your words. +3: Having enough free time to dust your pictures. -5: Admit it, you slipped too many k-pins in your morning vino to go to Adrienne's party. +3: "I have no kids"




0 points


+1: Calling yourself D-List -1: Calling Camille A-List +2: Parenting a la Adam Sandler, Big Daddy -3: Sorry you didn't get the memo, the interviews are not going to be "stripper" themed anymore. +1: "Cock."



"I've finally found my fibula" -2 points


-5: Stop bringing different people to the same restaurant to hear about other people's problems to feel better about the bruises under your cover up. +3: No way you ate a hamburger and a hot dog. Tay, are you confusing ingesting and staring again?


dana fngThat saying about putting lipstick on a pig...




"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, not having a pre-nup is" -8 points


-5: Calling out fat new girl for talking about the sunglasses. Like, stfu Camille? You have multiple nannies per child. Talk to us when you're done complaining about the size of your massive NYC apt while on walks with your hired friend to go pet your horses or to "check on the pond," both of which are conveniently located a mile away away from your house. What are you even fucking checking? You forgot your barometer. -3: Stop talking about Frasier's penis


Dana (FNG):

-18 points


-4: Being FNG [Bravo instinctively knew they should show the fat girl eating. +2 for Bravo] -10: I'm getting married. Next summer. In France. In a castle. Look at me look at me. I'm so rich. Of course you're invited to see me featured in my extravagant and tacky wedding. In France. At a castle. Next summer. In my sunglasses. -4: "What are names you call a penis? I don't know? The Wammer-Jammer? Sherman?" Who the fuck is marrying you? I actually hate you so much that I'm too lazy to google it.






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